Good morning!

July 7, 2015 / Wanda / 2 Comments

That moment, in the early hours of the morning, when it’s still dark outside, and your kid, who managed to wiggle their way into your bed in the middle of the night, suddenly sits up and declares with panic in his voice, “My tummy hurts.”

Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

You bolt awake, adrenaline filling your system as you grab your child, and run as fast as you can to the bathroom before Mount Vesuvius erupts in the middle of your bed. You just changed the sheets and a bed full of vomit is not something you want to deal with at 5am.

An hour later, after cuddling him through the stomach cramps, wiping his tears of fear, rubbing his back, administering Sprite, Tums, and a few Saltine crackers to get something in his stomach to absorb the acid, he looks at you and says, “I guess I just had to fart a couple of times, mommy. I’m ok.”

So, yeah. Good morning.

A Conversation with my Vivofit.

July 6, 2015 / Wanda / Leave a comment

I’m forty-five minutes into an hour workout with my trainer, Carrie.

I’m dripping in sweat and about to go into another super-set of exercises. I casually glance down at my Vivofit. It’s the fitness band I wear that tracks my activity levels. If there’s an extended red line across the top of the display screen then that indicates you’ve been inactive for to long and need to step it up. As I look at the band, the red line is blazing across the display because it doesn’t count anything but a full stride of movement, walking or running.

So I say, “Look at this Carrie! The red line is mocking me! It says, move your ass fat girl, you’ve been stationary too long!”

Carrie is quietly laughing at my outrage.

So I look at the Vivofit on my wrist and say, “Fuck you Vivofit! You don’t count the 100+ lunges I’ve done today, or the eighty squats I did with weights! You don’t count the rowing machine, or the fact that I bench pressed 45 fucking pounds! Screw you and your red line of ridicule and judgment!”

Carrie is still laughing. And then she says, “That could make a good blog post.”

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You’re number one, Vivofit!

The Love-Hate Challenge

June 28, 2015 / Wanda / 17 Comments

Hello, world!

Once again, life has been busy and I’m checking in to say hello and tackle the Love/Hate Challenge handed down to me by one of my favorite bloggers, Kimboxin. In this challenge, I have to list ten things I love and ten things I hate, then nominate other bloggers for the challenge.

Initially, it doesn’t seem too complicated. How hard is it to list things you love and hate? So, I spent a few minutes pondering the many nuances of what it means to love or hate something. If you really think about it, love is not the opposite of hate. Indifference is the opposite of love, but I have not been asked to write about things to which I feel indifferent. So, for me, this is not an exercise of opposites, but rather a list of items that either make me feel extremely happy or extremely unhappy. Oh, and I’m leaving out the obvious stuff, like loving my family or hating anchovies. Seriously, who likes anchovies?

Hate, hate, hate….

These are instruments of torture.

1. I hate high-heels. Why, as women, do we choose to wear shoes that after about twenty minutes of wear feel like razor blades are imbedded on the inside? I admit, high-heels make legs and ankles look more attractive. They add that special something to a dress or an outfit that flats just can’t imitate. They are incredibly feminine and just make you feel fancy. I occasionally attempt to wear them. But high-heels make me feel insecure. Insecure in that I know the pain is inevitable, and I know that with one small misstep or slip, I will fall ass over tea kettle in front of anyone watching. Friday night Dan and I celebrated our anniversary. We got dressed up and went to dinner at Beso, in Hollywood. Then we walked to the theatre and saw Phantom of the Opera. The theatre was less than two blocks from the restaurant, and in the seven minutes it took to walk there, I honestly felt as though my toes were being severed from my feet. I then made the classic mistake of taking the shoes off while I was at my seat enjoying the performance, because my toes began to swell, which then made trying to put the shoes back on feel like a fresh new hell. After the show, I put on a brave face, and hobbled out of the theatre, hanging on to Dan’s arm for dear life. It was all I could do to maintain my dignity and not look like a drunk hooker falling down on the street. About half way up the first block, I said fuck it. I took off the shoes and walked down Hollywood Boulevard in my bar feet. I figured, what the hell? It’s the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and it’s probably one of the nicest sidewalks in the country. I did enjoy a laughable moment though when we walked passed a strip club whose marquee read, “1000’s of Beautiful Girls and 3 Ugly Ones!”

2. I hate being the center of attention, or having too many people looking at me at once. It makes me feel very insecure and nervous. Even at my own wedding, knowing that everyone was looking at me filled me with anxiety. I prefer to blend in with the natives. This anxiety does not exist for me in this medium, thankfully. I want people to read my blog. And it doesn’t feel like the same level of scrutiny for some reason.

3. I also hate crowds. Too many people. Too much noise. No parking. And people tend to behave poorly in large crowds. I prefer smaller, more low key environments. Causal, laid back places. Pubs, not clubs.

4. I hate allergies. I am allergic to everything. If I was stranded on a desert island, I’d probably be dead within hours from touching a leaf or a plant, or being stung by an insect. A handful of years ago I saw an allergist and she did that skin test on my back where they scratch your skin with a hundred different allergens and then see what you react too. Within seconds of the nurse applying the allergens, it felt like fire ants were biting me everywhere. The allergist sort of freaked out when she entered the room and it took several doses of antihistamine to calm the reaction and welts on my back. When I looked at the chart she gave me, it said one of the items I was allergic to was cockroaches. WTF? I want to know what part of a fucking cockroach they rubbed on my back to find out if I was allergic to it. Gross.

5. I hate most reality TV. Mostly because it’s not reality and there is very little substance to these shows. I don’t give a fuck about the Kardashians, the Desperate Housewives of any city, or who the Bachelor or Bachelorette is making out with this week. And don’t even get me started on the Duggars. There are a few reality shows my family enjoys, but we’re pretty selective. My family loves MasterChef, American Ninja Warrior, the Amazing Race, and more recently, BattleBots.

6. I hate hypocrisy. If you talk the talk, you better be able to walk the walk.

7. I hate it when people don’t take responsibility for their choices, or try to negate the choices of others. In life, your choices, for good or bad, is truly what defines you. Own them, and use your powers for good, not evil.

8. I hate Jalapenos. Does this need further clarification? I think not.

9. I hate technology when it doesn’t work. My last cell phone sucked. It was an older model Samsung that had the drop down keypad for typing. I preferred that to the touch screen because my fingers always hit the wrong key and it took me forever to do anything on the phone. So, one evening my friend was over for our regular Friday night wine o’clock, and I was bitching about my phone and how long it took to connect a call. And she said, “Can you just give it a second to let the signal come back from space?” LOL!

10. I hate skinny jeans on men. I can’t think of many things more emasculating than seeing men wear skinny jeans. Biggest fashion mistake, ever.

For the love of….

1. I love fresh, clean paper. There’s something about a new notebook or journal that fills me with excitement. It’s a clean slate. You can write or create anything. I would hoard them if I was crazy. But I’m not crazy. As far as you know.

2. I love office supplies. I have no idea why. I have always loved stores like Staples and Office Max. I love buying stuff that makes me feel organized. Shopping for school supplies as a kid felt like Christmas to me.

3. On this same note, I love making lists. I write lists for everything. Again, it helps me feel organized, and my brain needs this in order to feel peace.

4. I love getting flowers, for no special reason. Or for a special reason. That’s fine too.

5. I love giving and receiving compliments, especially when they are unexpected. Admit it. Getting a compliment at an unexpected moment can make you feel on top of the world. Especially because we rarely see ourselves the way others see us. And when you give a compliment, even casually, and you see that person’s face light up, it’s an amazing feeling.

6. I love it when I’m on the treadmill at the gym and one of my favorite Kid Rock songs hits the playlist. When Bawitdaba starts playing, it takes all I have to not start singing out load and head banging in front of everyone. That song, among others, just pumps me up and makes me feel like I could run a hundred miles. I can’t, of course, and about a minute into the song I have to slow down and remind myself that I’m forty and my knees can’t take that shit.

7. I love my husband’s photography. He enjoys photography as a hobby, and I love his pictures.

My kids, walking down the street, holding hands.

8. I love candles that make my house smell good. I specifically love Gold Canyon Candles. They are the best.

9. I love reading. I love being absorbed and transported by a story, and the devastation you feel when the book ends.

10. I love my husband. I know I said I would leave out the obvious stuff, but we just celebrated our anniversary, so it feels important to include him in this list. I love the life we have together, and the balance we share in our relationship. I’m proud of the man he is and I’m proud to be his wife.

Happy Anniversary, Dan!

I nominate the following blogs to participate in this challenge, if they so choose.

1. https://myspokenheart.wordpress.com/

2. https://nosajnawk.wordpress.com/

3. https://lindsaysmiles.wordpress.com/

4. https://brandedexplorer.wordpress.com/

5. https://sweetykannoth.wordpress.com/

6. https://hysterectomy4dysmenorrhea.wordpress.com/

7. http://catsatthebar.org/ (I would love to see the cat’s perspective on this!)

What’s up with Wanda?

June 11, 2015 / Wanda / 15 Comments

Hello, world!

Lately I seem to have difficulty finding time to attend this blog with any regularity. I’m envious of all the amazing bloggers I follow who seem to have the time, energy, and creativity to post weekly, if not multiple times each week. How do you do it? If I can post once every two weeks, I feel accomplished. And in order to do that I have to hide from my family and make them pretend I’m not home. I am so very behind on my blog reading, it’s pitiful. I’m trying to catch up, so if you see me comment or like five of your posts in one day, I’m not really stalking you. Much. As far as you know.

I guess this post is really just a mish-mash of catching up. You know, sort of a ‘What’s up with Wanda?” kind of thing. Not very exciting, but here goes…

Bryn got home from camp! She was tired, happy, and her dirty laundry smelled like Hell farted in her face. I’m not kidding. I gagged as I was loading the washing machine. It was a weird combination of body odor, some outdoorsy kind of smell, and dirt. Aside from that, I was so happy to have her home! You could say I was giddy. I couldn’t stop hugging her and I could tell she wanted to be hugged. She said she had a great time, and they kept the kids so busy she didn’t have time to miss us. They did nature hikes every day, learned some cool outdoor skills, and got to do fun science experiments that included dissecting a squid and building a model structure that was designed to withstand an earthquake. They studied marine biology, engineering and geology. She loved it and we all survived the week. Well, everyone but the squid.

The hubs and I started the My Fit Foods 21 Day Challenge, and we are currently on day 14. No coffee, no alcohol, and no sugar for 21 days. The diet involves eating three meals and two snacks per day, and My Fit Foods provides all the meals and snacks, fully balanced and portion controlled. The diet is completely clean with no processed food, gluten or added preservatives. The food is pretty good. Honestly. The hardest part is denying yourself all the things you would normally eat or drink that become routine and habit forming. Like coffee. And wine. I really miss coffee and wine. I also miss eating out. I love good restaurants, and eating out is a huge part of our social activity as a family and while spending time with friends. That’s been one of the hardest habits to break in the past two weeks. Oh, and you also have to drink what they call the My Fit Cocktail. You mix it up first thing in the morning and down it before breakfast. It’s a combination of unsweetened cranberry juice, apple-cider vinegar, and lemon juice. It’s like a super cleanse, detoxifying punch to the face. I won’t miss that when the 21 days are over. We started this challenge as a way to break some of the bad habits we’d fallen into with ordering out and just over-indulging in our favorite restaurants and meals, far too often. Also, despite my working out with a trainer, my ass seems determined to hang on to its double-bubble, and I needed to shake that up. So far, it’s paid off. Dan has lost eight pounds in 14 days, and I’ve lost five. The plan is expensive, so not something a person or family can sustain over more than a few weeks time. It’s also time consuming in a way. Although the program prepares all the food for you, you still have to deconstruct the meals so that you can eventually re-create the type of meals you need to eat on your own once you finish the challenge. That’s what I hate about dieting in general. It’s the constant awareness of everything you eat, why you eat it, how often you eat, and the combination of foods to maximize the effect on your body. It’s exhausting, and did I mention that I really miss wine?

Amen

My son had his pre-K promotion ceremony last week! The two classes put on a Hawaiian themed performance, singing Beach Boys songs and muddling through some nicely choreographed but poorly executed dance moves. At the end they were all called up by the pre-school director and given little scrolls of paper tied to look like diplomas, but in actuality the papers were blank. (The kids were given real certificates later.) It was adorable, and as usual, most of the parents devolved into the most self-centered, inconsiderate versions of themselves. It’s sad really. It seems every parent is willing to piss off ten others by hogging the good camera angles instead of just getting their picture of their kid and then moving aside so another family can get some decent pictures. We have no useable pictures of Bryce because of the mob of parents who kept standing up to take pictures, or kept raising their cell phones above their heads to video the performance. All we have are pictures of the top of Bryce’s head and the arms and asses of several other parents who refused to sit down, despite the director halting the show to ask parents to be considerate of others in the room. Dan was about to lose his shit because the dad sitting in front of us kept standing up every time Dan tried to get a picture. He started to get mouthy with the guy, so I leaned over and quietly informed him that the asshole in question was the father of the boy whose birthday party Bryce was invited to the next day. He’s actually a really nice guy. So, the bottom line is, don’t be that parent. Don’t be the douche-bag dad or mom who only cares about their own kid at a performance and denies other families the opportunity to enjoy the experience as well. And remember, all the other parents whose experience you ruined, will talk about your douche-baggery for years to come.

My older brother, who is also one of my best friends, had major back surgery yesterday morning. He has a degenerative disc disease that destroyed the cushion between a few of his lower vertebrae, and he was at the end of his options for any type of less invasive medical intervention. He’s only 42 years old and has been living with chronic, debilitating back pain for years. Yesterday morning he had an ALIF (Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion) for L5-S1. Let me tell you, it’s some serious shit. The surgeon entered through his abdomen to reach and fuse the lower part of his spine. Think about that for a moment, and let the gravity of what that entails sink in. He made it through surgery like a boss, and I’ll be traveling to Texas next week to help my sister-in-law take care of him while he’s recovering. I’m anxious to be there with him, and the past week building up to the procedure has been stressful.

So, there you have it. That pretty much sums up the past two weeks. Throw in some housework, ten thousand loads of laundry, constant ass-kicking’s from my trainer, some butt-wiping, end of year school activities and there’s my full plate. 🙂 And just to leave you with something funny that made me laugh…..

Have a great weekend!

Wanda Says…Settle down tiger, it’s just camp.

June 1, 2015 / Wanda / 10 Comments

I sent my daughter off to camp today.

Her entire fifth grade class left this morning for science camp. They get to spend five days in the San Bernardino Mountains, doing science experiments, learning about nature and doing a ton of other cool stuff, like archery and zip-lining.

Five days.

And no contact with parents is allowed.

No contact. For five, whole days.

I’m a fucking mess.

She was pretty nervous about going, and the last few days have been hard for both of us. Hard for her because she was suffering from anxiety and nerves. She’s never been away from us for that long. Hell, she only started feeling comfortable doing sleep-overs this year, and she’s ten years old. Outwardly, I’ve been supportive and encouraging. I know this is important. I know she needs to spread her wings and begin to learn to be more independent. She needs to see how capable she really is, and that can only be achieved by working through tough stuff. In this case, it’s working through her separation anxiety and realizing that she will be ok and can have fun, even when she’s missing her family. In this sense I’ve done nothing but tell her how much fun she’ll have and what amazing memories she’ll make.

Inwardly, I want to shout and scream and demand that the school bring my baby home now! I can’t believe I paid for this shit! I can’t believe I agreed to let my daughter go two hours away into the mountains and be supervised by people I’ve never met. Doomsday images keep floating through my head. What if there’s an earthquake? THE earthquake? The big one that will supposedly redefine the west coast? How would I get to her? What if there’s a bus crash? What if she meets up with a bear? What if some asshole ten year old from her class shoots her with a goddamn archery arrow? What if one hair on her beautiful head is damaged in any way? I will go ape shit and rip that camp apart looking for retribution, that’s what!

(I’m taking some deep breaths right now.)

This was probably the wrong week for me to give up wine and coffee, but that’s a post for another day.

The truth is that my heart feels like it has a giant hole in it. The house feels empty. The hallways sound hollow. She’s only been gone for twelve hours and her absence has left its mark on all of us. This morning her little brother cried. He loves her so much, and he couldn’t understand why his Bryn was leaving for so many days. I held it together until the bus pulled away from the school. Then I couldn’t stop the tears. Other parents saw me quietly crying, despite my giant sunglasses covering my face. They offered me sympathetic looks and as a few of them tried to talk to me all I could do was put up my hand to ward them off and march home, crying the entire way. My husband held me and offered to take the day off work so we could spend the day together and take my mind off of Bryn’s absence. While I adore his gesture and love him more than words can say, I decided to just keep busy and get on with my day.

A few of the other parents have been thoughtful and kind enough to text and email me today, checking in to see how I was doing. While I truly appreciate their consideration and thoughtfulness, it makes me feel like a giant candy-ass. For fuck’s sake, it’s just camp! My head knows this, so why does my heart feel like it will be ten thousand years before I see her again?

We’re a close family, and we don’t like to be separated. I’m so thankful for that. I’m so thankful that our family unit is so connected that when one of us is missing, we are all affected. I grew up in a household where that wasn’t the case, so I am doubly appreciative of the bond my husband and I share with our children and with each other. It’s priceless.

And learns how to do her own ponytail!

So, I am now trying to banish the ugly, apocalyptic thoughts racing through my head and find the silver lining. I’m trying to focus on the good things that will come from her week at camp. She will learn how to manage a bit without me. She will learn to be more independent and self-assured. She will learn how to keep track of her own stuff. She will learn how to pack her own damn suitcase when it’s time to come home. And, for the love of God, if one of her friends actually manages to teach her how to do her own hair, then it will be worth every tear shed and every expensive dollar that it cost to send her there.

So, if you feel like contributing, I would love to hear your best camp story. 🙂

Wanda Says…You Won’t Like Me When I’m Angry.

May 14, 2015 / Wanda / 10 Comments

It takes a lot to make me angry.

A few things have happened that have triggered my protective instincts and my anger and frustration has peaked in a way that might be a little unhealthy.

I want to scream. I want to throw shit, yell at people and make my displeasure known. I want to write a long blog post about why I’m angry and why I am completely justified in feeling this way.

But I can’t. I can’t be immature about this and vent the circumstances of my anger to the world. I can’t shake the shit out of people and make them make better choices.

So, instead of a full-blown rant full of profanity and finger pointing, I offer you The Hulk.

Word.

Wanda Says…Random Thoughts, Fancy Cars, Play-Doh and TMI.

May 7, 2015 / Wanda / 2 Comments

My house is a bit of a mess and I keep waiting for someone else in this family to take some initiative and clean it. Then I remind myself that everyone else is waiting for me to do it because as a stay home mom, that’s my job. I’m looking at the floors and thinking I need a raise. Or a glass of wine while I contemplate when I may feel like getting around to some housework.

I’m tired all the time. I thought once I started working out a lot that I would have all this boundless energy. All I have is sore muscles, some new muscles, and constant cravings for caffeine and meat.

Every Tuesday and Thursday when I go to the gym, there’s a black, Rolls Royce Wraith in the parking lot. Seriously. A freaking Rolls Royce! Every week I see this car and I think…Really? Because that’s your casual car?

Would you drive this to the gym?

Bryce has been begging me all day to play with his play-doh. I hate play-doh. It took forever to clean up the mess he made yesterday with his play-doh, and I just want it to disappear. He likes to take several different colors, squish them all together and then shape it into a puddle. Then he brings it to me and says, “Here’s another pool of vomit, mommy!” He makes these “pools of vomit” and then expects me to save it and display it on the fireplace mantel. He gets upset when I try to secretly throw them away. He notices when they disappear from the mantel. He doesn’t believe me anymore when I tell him I’m saving them in a special, secret location. Did I mention that I hate play-doh?

My husband had to fly to Oakland today for a meeting with one of his clients. He’s in the e-commerce business and he works with a variety of online retailers. This particular client happens to be a company that makes products exclusively for adults. *Ahem* To be more specific, they sell sex toys. Apparently, during the meeting, the company gave out goodie bags to all the executives. He texted me a picture of the bag and said, “I can’t wait to go through TSA at the airport.” He won’t tell me what’s in the bag. He says it’s a surprise. I don’t actually care about what’s in the gift bag, but I would give almost anything to watch him go through airport security with that bag. It was a day trip so he didn’t take luggage with him. It should make him feel better that everyone from his company got a gift bag, so they all have to go through airport security together, with sex toys in their possession. (I’m crying laughing just thinking about it!)

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Because I won’t put up a picture of a sex toy, its funny, and topically, it’s somewhat relevant.

Have a great weekend! 😉

Wanda Says…The Versatile Blogging Award!

May 2, 2015 / Wanda / Leave a comment

Most of you know that I LOVE blog awards!

So, I’m very flattered and happy to accept the nomination for the Versatile Blogger Award from two of my fellow bloggers.

The first nomination for this award was given to me by Tastehitch. Andy’s blog is brilliant, and he happens to be the author of Being A Dad Is Brilliant. He writes a lot about fatherhood and parenting…you know, the glamorous life. Check him out, or better yet, buy his book, and I promise you will not be disappointed!

The second nomination was given to me by Rob over at the V-Pub. V-Pub is short for Virtual Pub, and Rob’s blog has a little bit of something for everyone. He blogs about music, life and the occasional (or frequent) embarrassments that make the best happy hour stories. Go check him out!

Thank you, to both Andy and Rob for the nominations!

Here is a list of rules to accept this award:

Show the award on your blog.

Thank the person who nominated you.

Share seven facts about yourself.

Nominate 15 blogs.

Link your nominees’ blogs, and let them know.

Seven Facts About Me:

1. I’m a HUGE Star Wars fan. I grew up wanting to be Princess Leia. Soooo, one of the most memorable moments of my life happened like this…..I was sitting in an aisle seat at the Coliseum, watching a USC football game with my husband. Dan is a Trojan. George Lucas was at the game as alumni and to promote his latest film project. As he was exiting the stadium, George Lucas walked right past me. That man was five feet away from me, and for about ten seconds, as I watched him approach, I swear everything went into slow motion and I heard the Star Wars theme song in my head. It was epic, and I will never forget it. (And yes, his hair is incredible!)

2. I’ve mentioned this before in my very first Wanda post ever, but I have a strict policy of only naming my pets after historical figures or literary characters. Since my teen years I’ve had beloved pets who bore the names of Napoleon, Ulysses (S. Grant), Thor (Norse mythology’s god of thunder), Cain (biblical son of Adam & Eve), Psyche (Greek mythology’s goddess of the soul and wife of Eros), Scout (To Kill a Mockingbird), and Oliver (Oliver Twist). Currently, my two cats are named Lucy and Linus, from of course, The Peanuts Gang.

3. There are a handful of movies that I am unable to pass over if I come across them on television. They become a mandatory time suck and I am helpless to change the channel or be productive in any way until the movie is over. Some of these movies include Stand By Me, The Goonies, Rocky, The Breakfast Club, Alien (and any of the sequels in this franchise), Star Wars, and any Tom Hanks movie, ever made. I’m a huge Tom Hanks fan. That’s a lot of time sucking.

Goonies Never Say Die!

4. I can sing. Or, I’ve been told that I can sing by others, but I choose not to sing in front of anyone other than my kids and our pets. I get embarrassed and self-conscious and that just doesn’t feel good. My husband says that if I wasn’t so self-conscious I could be a karaoke super star. Isn’t that sweet? Also, the only instrument I can play is an air guitar. I totally rock that shit. Particularly when playing anything AC/DC.

5. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Special Education and I spent twenty years of my career prior to becoming a stay home parent working with children and adults with special needs. Over the course of those twenty years I’ve had jobs ranging from providing direct care, managing group homes, providing advocacy services, licensing and program coordination, to being an assistant director of a private family services agency. I’ve cared for individuals with special needs in every capacity imaginable, and it is not work that just anybody can do. I’m very proud of the people I was able to help over the course of my career, and I have days where I miss it terribly.

6. One of my biggest regrets so far in life is not going back to school to pursue a Master’s Degree. At this point in my life, it may still be an option, but since I feel I’ve moved on from my previous career and would like to embark on something new, I have no idea what I would go back to school for. I’m still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Any suggestions?

7. I’m a good baker. I make a mean chocolate chip cookie. Ask anyone who knows me. I used to make cookies for my friend’s as their birthday presents, and they were thrilled to get them as their annual gift. At one point my husband suggested I open a bakery business based on his love of my chocolate chip cookies. No, I won’t share the recipe. I spent about five years tweaking the recipe to get it juuuuuust right. If I ever do open a bakery, I’ll call it “You’re Not the Boss of Me Bakery.” Yeah, that name suits me well.

Now, I would like to nominate a few blogs in order to pass on the honor of this award. I know it says I have to nominate fifteen blogs, but I won’t just nominate for the sake of meeting a number requirement. The blogs I nominate are…

1. Carrie On, Y’all (Carrie is hilarious! I’ve actually snorted a beverage out of my nose while reading her blog. She’s that good!)

2. Kimboxin (Kim is totally badass, and I love her writing and her perspective on life. Her blog is honest, funny, and I find myself scrolling her blog to make sure I don’t miss anything she writes.)

3. Peaches & Poppycock (Kristin’s blog is funny, full of southern charm (she says y’all a lot) and she enjoys wine flavored ice cream! How cool is that?!)

4. The UnsimpleLife (Ray’s blog is amazing, but he’s currently not posting new material right now due to some recent life changes. However, you should head over and read some of his stuff because he’s funny and insightful.)

5. Floordeboor (I love this blog because the brilliant woman behind it is sharing her personal journey with health and wellness. She’s smart, gives good, solid advice and shares her recipes and tips for weight loss, workouts and just living healthy. Check her out!)

If any of the blogs I nominated choose not to participate, it’s totally cool. And perhaps you will enjoy some new traffic and followers based on the good things I said about you!

Have a great weekend, everyone, and thanks again for the award!

Wanda Says…Great Laughs, Great Friends and Good Times in Charleston.

April 22, 2015 / Wanda / 10 Comments

Every year I take a girls only trip with three of my great friends from high school. This tradition actually began when we were seniors in high school and we drove from Michigan to Florida for the week of Spring Break.

It was a big deal.

Everyone at our small school had their knickers in a twist over four seventeen/eighteen year old girls daring to drive fifteen hours to the heathen state of Florida for some fun in the sun. We survived, had an amazing time, and made it home without one traffic ticket or incident of indecent exposure.

And we did it all without the aid of cell phones, GPS, or online internet maps. We used real maps. You know, the ones kids today don’t know how to read. We called our parents to check in from pay phones. And no one died because they weren’t able to reach us every second of the day.

We were totally independent, smart, capable, badass teenagers.

Fast forward twelve years of being sidetracked with college, jobs, boyfriends who became husbands, raising children, and some husbands becoming ex-husbands, we resumed our tradition of the annual girls trip. Except now we fly instead of drive because we have more money and we’re scattered across the country. We’ve been doing it now for about ten years, give or take a year off for unexpected complications.

Pineapple Fountain at Waterfront Park

This year we congregated in Charleston, South Carolina.

My travel itinerary wasn’t fun since I was basically traversing the country as far as possible from the west coast to the east coast, but once I got there I was completely charmed. This was my very first trip to Charleston and I have to tell you, I was not disappointed. It’s a fabulous city!

We stayed in the historic district and walked everywhere. We took a carriage ride through the city and our guide detailed everything from minute details of residential architecture to churches and buildings of historic significance. We shopped in the open market on Market St. and I bought Sweet Grass Baskets for my children as souvenirs. We walked the waterfront to Battery Park, which has some of the most beautiful trees I have ever seen. We toured Rainbow Row and marveled over the charm of flowered window baskets, burning gas lamps, and real wooden shutters that add an undeniable ambiance to the already weighty, historic feel of the city.

And the restaurants in Charleston are amazing!

I fell in love with the houses of Charleston!

One of my favorite restaurants was called Poogan’s Porch and they serve gourmet southern cuisine. The food was fantastic and the service was incredible. If you go to Charleston, plan to eat there, but make a reservation in advance or you won’t get a table. I had the beef fillet with blue cheese dumplings, and it was to die for!

The other place I would highly recommend is called Kaminsky’s, and it’s a dessert bar. It’s a bar that only serves alcohol and dessert.

Genius!

The line to get into this place was staggering. Thankfully, we had stopped in there for hot drinks one afternoon when they weren’t busy and got to know one of the bartenders. It was raining outside and we wanted to warm up with some spiked coffee. The next evening we decided to go back to try their dessert menu as well, but there was a mob of people waiting outside to get in. It would have been over an hour wait, but our dear new friend, the bartender, was able to snag us some seats at the bar and took excellent care of our dessert and cocktail needs for the rest of the evening. The place is fun, charming and has some of the best dessert Martini’s, ever. And I don’t like Martini’s, so that should tell you something.

Oak Trees in Battery Park

Now, two of us, myself included, already had established alter egos. I am, of course, Wanda. One of the other girls is known as Belinda, but only when she drinks. Not wanting to leave the other two girls without a fun, alter ego to enjoy the weekend, Jasmine and Piper were born out of much alcohol consumption and consideration of naming preferences. I shall refer to my friends by their alternative names out of consideration of their privacy, and well, just because it’s more fun.

Jasmine received a chiropractic adjustment to her back, shoulders and neck by a local homeless man named Byron. I’m not kidding. We were walking down the street and observed this man cracking another man’s back while standing on the sidewalk. Jasmine yells out, “I need some of that!” Byron then crossed the street and began to work his magic. I was shocked. I was waiting for him to feel her up. He was standing behind her with his arms across her chest, working her arms, back and neck. At one point he said to her, “Lean back and put your head on my shoulder. Trust me.” And Jasmine said, “But I just met you.” It took every ounce of self-control I had not to piss my pants right there because I was laughing so hard. Jasmine decided to trust Byron, and he proceeded to give her, as she claims, one of the best back adjustments she’s ever received. The look on her face was orgasmic. She tipped him ten dollars. He rode past us on his bike a few minutes later and shouted out, “You’ve been Byronized!” Yes. Yes she had. (We found out later from our friendly bartender friend that Byron is a bit of a local celebrity, and every one knows him, loves him and he provides back cracking and adjustments free to anyone who needs them).

I love this house!

Belinda was good this year. She managed her alcohol intake well and there were no incidents of ‘Girls Gone Wild’ this year. We were really proud of her.

Piper just had a baby last year and is still breastfeeding. It became fun for all of us to mimic the sound of the breast pump which occasionally made her boobs tingle trying to release the milk. And we were treated to a special visit by her eight month old baby girl. Piper’s husband drove down with the baby so she could meet her Auntie’s and enjoy an afternoon with us. They live a couple of hours north of Charleston. I’m not kidding when I say she is one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. I gave her a pink bear, which we named Flo, and she loved her, which means, by extension, she loves me. So that means I’m the favorite Aunt. Just sayin’.

Waterfront Mansion

As for myself, well, I had a Ross Geller moment while at dinner on Saturday night. I wore skinny jeans that night. I never wear skinny jeans because I find them to be tight and uncomfortable. But, to shake things up a bit, I wore skinny jeans to dinner. We walked to the restaurant which was about a mile away from our hotel. It was warm outside and I was sweating slightly by the time we got there. Do you remember that episode from Friends where Ross wears leather pants on his date? And he goes into the bathroom of his date’s house to air out his pants because his thighs are so sweaty? And then he can’t get his leather pants back up and uses baby powder to absorb the moisture on his legs, but the powder mixes with his sweat to form a paste? Yeah, well, my incident was sort of like that but without the baby powder. Skinny jeans don’t like to be pulled up or down sweaty legs. I went to use the restroom when we got to the restaurant and got stuck in the bathroom for a while trying to get my stupid ass skinny jeans back up my sweaty legs. Never again.

In short, we had a great weekend. Great laughs, great friends and good times!

PS–We are considering options for next year’s girls trip, so if any of you have a suggestion for a destination in the US, I would love to hear it. 🙂

Wanda Says…On My Son’s Opinion of Green Poop.

March 22, 2015March 22, 2015 / Wanda / 5 Comments

Parenting children is so glamorous. If I’m not pulling teeth, wiping bums, or determining the source of crusty residue left on various surfaces, then I’m a scientist/medical doctor in training attempting to help my children decipher their bodily functions and the source of any problems that arise.

I apologize for the gross topic of this post, but I had this conversation with my four year old son this morning, and for a lack of anything more interesting to write about, decided to share the poop story love with all of you.

You’re welcome, world.

This morning I heard Bryce muttering to himself in the bathroom.

Bryce: Why is my poop green? What makes green poop?

Me: Is something wrong? Do you need help?

Bryce: Yes. My poop is green mommy.

(I joined him in the bathroom, and yes, his poop was a shamrock green color. WTH?)

Bryce: Why?

Me: I don’t know, buddy. Maybe it has something to do with the blue icing you ate last night on the cake. But it will be ok. Poop changes color sometimes based on what you eat.

Bryce: So the blue icing and the chocolate cake made green poop?!

Me: I’m not sure.

Bryce: What does red and green make?

Me: Probably a brownish-gray color. Why?

Bryce: Well, then to turn my poop brown again, I need to eat some Red Velvet cake! Can you get some of that for me, because we need to fix this!

LOL! Little boy problems are so fun. I heard him talking to himself a while later saying, “I never should have eaten that chocolate cake!” 😉

Update: About two hours after I posted this, my family and I were shopping at the local mall, picking up some clothes for the kids. In the middle of the girls department at Macy’s, I look over and Bryce has his pants down around his ankles, his underwear around his knees, bare-ass, inspecting the inside of his underwear! He was so worried about the green poop, he said, with big fat tears in his eyes and a sad look on his face, “I had to make sure the green poop didn’t get into my underwear.” We left the store and got him a Red Velvet cupcake just to ease his worries. 🙂

A Girl Named Wanda

Because sometimes having one personality just isn't enough

Humor

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Wanda Says…Settle down tiger, it’s just camp.

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Wanda Says…Random Thoughts, Fancy Cars, Play-Doh and TMI.

Wanda Says…The Versatile Blogging Award!

Wanda Says…Great Laughs, Great Friends and Good Times in Charleston.

Wanda Says…On My Son’s Opinion of Green Poop.

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