Have you ever really examined the contents of your spam folder? I have Yahoo as my personal email provider, and I’ve heard they’re the worst for spam.  It’s probably true, given the high quantity of suggestive advertisements sent to me on a regular basis.  I never open the emails, but I do get some entertainment from reading the email titles.

My favorite and most reoccurring spam is from the Local Sluts. I’m always getting emails from the Local Sluts, asking me to join.  This is a real thing, people. I’m not making it up.

What makes me laugh about this is that I had no idea the local sluts were so organized. I also had no idea they were recruiting publicly.  I always assumed that trade to be more of a back alley sort of thing.  But no more!  The sluts have gone public and they want your membership!

I am curious what they do at their meetings, though. Do they meet at the library?  Do they have membership tiers, discuss recruitment and offer incentives for bringing in new members?  Like, if you sign up four new sluts, do you get a bonus or a prize?  And what does it mean to be a Local Slut?  I have so many questions, but I have a feeling they make you actually show up to the meeting before they dish about the details.  Just like those assholes who sell timeshares.  They make you sit through two hours of property sales pitches before they give you your two free movie tickets.

And I’m the most non-slutty person there is. I’d never pass the slut test. I don’t even know how to flirt properly anymore.  My idea of flirting is to waggle my eyebrows at my husband and smack him on the ass as I walk by.  Also, I don’t look good in short skirts and stilettos.  I’m more of a Capri pants and cardigan twin set kind of girl.  I can rock a pony tail and sweat pants all day long, but a skin tight mini-dress…not so much.

I just realized I’m being very unfair to the Local Sluts. I’m making assumptions about what they wear based on the name of their group, and that’s wrong.  Maybe sluts don’t even dress slutty anymore.  Maybe they wear mom clothes!  Oh my God!  That’s why they’ve been trying to contact me so aggressively!  They’ve seen me out in my yoga pants and baggy t-shirts, and I had no idea this was the new hot!  I’ve been flaunting myself all over Target, and the grocery store, and the neighborhood, giving the impression that my mommy hotness was somehow up for a membership grab, and those sluts have been going crazy trying to recruit me!

Fortunately for me, I’m not looking to make any major career moves right now. Some time ago, when I was contemplating what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I asked my daughter what she thought I would be good at.  She said, “You’re good at speaking, and snuggling, and loving.”  I told her I couldn’t make a career out of those things and she asked me why.  So I told her that one, the only career suited to those qualities went against my moral code, and two, Daddy would have a problem with it.  She had no idea what I was talking about (thank God) and looked at me like I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I’m currently unavailable and uninterested in becoming a member of the Local Sluts. I would say that I’m flattered by the invitation, but that would be a lie.  Thanks for all the effort folks, but please direct your emails to more interested parties.  If I was single, and even a little bit slutty……nope, not even then.