As a rule I try to keep junk food out of the house. It’s unhealthy, and the more sugar and preservatives a food has in it, the more likely I am to want to devour it. So I don’t buy junk food as a means of self-preservation.
Today, however, in some misguided attempt to believe I had a shred of willpower in my body, I decided to buy a package of Oreo cookies for the kids. Yes, that’s right, I did it for the kids. I did not buy them because I love all things sugar and have a weakness for chocolate cookies. Not at all.
This afternoon I pulled out the cookies and thought I would just eat a couple. Within a few minutes of opening the package I realized I had eaten five cookies. Five cookies! In like, three minutes. Holy Shit! Oreos are like crack for people who have never done crack, but I think this must be what it feels like to do crack.
Oh. My. God.
I could sit down and eat this whole damn bag of cookies. I started having thoughts of hiding them and not telling the kids I bought them so I could savor them and enjoy each delicious cookie myself. They can’t appreciate these cookies like I do, so really, if I share them, then I’m just wasting them. And I refuse to waste anything this delicious.
Wait…when did I become this crazy, cookie hoarder? No, this is not who I am! This is not who I want to be!
I really do wonder if the Oreo cookie makers put small amounts of a crack-like-substance in the cookie to make you go crazy for them the second they dissolve in your mouth. Or a substance that makes you lose reason as well as your sense of time, so you can eat one cookie after the other and not realize what you’ve just done or how much you’ve consumed.
In the end, after I’d shamefully eaten eight Oreos, I pulled my shit together and put them away. Not only did I put them away, but I wrapped them in a way that would prevent me from just reaching in the cupboard to grab one more. I made it so that it would take a herculean effort for me to extract a cookie from the packaging.
But I’m still thinking about those crack cookies.
I have a problem.
I am officially adding Oreo cookies to the list of items I’m breaking up with in 2015.