Wanda Says…This is how I know I’m getting old.

retro TV

I’m getting old and this is how I know it…

1.  When I was younger, I remember thinking it was very progressive when the FCC began to allow cursing on TV. I remember thinking, “What’s the big deal if someone uses a curse word on national television?  It’s not like most people haven’t heard them before.”  And then commercials began to evolve and I thought the adult humor and content infused into the marketing of different products was more humorous than dirty.  I remember one event specifically at my grandmother’s house when she tried to shield my great-grandmother from seeing a racy scene on TV, and my great-grandmother responded by saying, “It’s not like I’ve never seen boobs before, Francis.”  Fast forward twenty years, and now I’m a parent.  Thanks to all the sex and adult references on every station and every network, I’ve mastered the sport of living room gymnastics.  All parents know what this is.  It’s the sport that’s all the rage in any family living room with small children.  It’s the act of diving, jumping, tumbling, rolling, running, or hurdling furniture, small people or pets in order to get to the remote on time to either hit the mute button or change the channel when you realize that what’s happening on the television is not appropriate for your child to hear, see or imitate. (And I’d like to thank every network that showed the new SI Swimsuit cover and all the 50 Shades of Grey trailers for the extra gymnastics practice this week.  I really enjoyed trying to field my ten year old daughter’s questions about why that girl was being blindfolded, and why that other girl was practically bearing her private girly parts on the cover of a magazine.  Thanks for that).  I’ve become that crotchety old person who complains that commercials are filled with unnecessary sexual references and that there isn’t enough quality family television suitable for my kids to watch during prime time, and that just blows.

2.  When I see a pack of teenagers walking down my street and they stop to loiter in front of my house, I want to tell them to get off my lawn.  I have a nice lawn with nice bushes and flowers, and I don’t want them to litter in my yard or fuck up my grass.  Get off my lawn you lazy hooligans!  (I can’t believe I care about this).

3.  It’s difficult for me to stay up past 10pm, even on a weekend.  I force myself to stay up on weekends because it’s ridiculous and I refuse to go to bed at nine o’clock on a Saturday.  If my husband and I are out with friends or having a few drinks, I seem to be more energized and can rally to the occasion, but as soon as the action’s over my body goes into complete shut down mode.  I need my sleep like my grandmother needs to watch the Wheel of Fortune every night, or as she likes to call it, “The Wheel.”

4.  If I have more than three alcoholic drinks in one evening it takes me a week to recover.  Seriously.  A week.  Who’s got time for that shit?  I can’t feel like death for a week.  So when I do drink wine or other alcoholic beverages, I try and keep it under three drinks and I have to drink a liter of water in between.  Otherwise my skin is dehydrated and wrinkly and I get headaches that feel like they last a thousand years.  I long for the days in college when I had the energy and stamina to go out five nights a week, stayed out until 2am and was still able to make it to an 8am class.  I don’t necessarily want to engage in those activities, I just wish I still had that kind of energy.

These will make your toes feel like they're being cut off with a butter knife.

These will make your toes feel like they’re being cut off with a butter knife.

5.  I now choose function over fashion, every day.  Is it comfortable?  Stretchy?  Will those shoes make my feet hurt if I walk more than ten feet in them?  I live in yoga pants and t-shirts.  I’m with kids all day and no one gives a shit what I look like. And the last time I made an effort to wear super cute high-heeled boots to a party, I ended up losing a toenail and needing first aid by the end of the night.  My poor husband had to practically carry me to the car, and it took me six months to regrow that toenail.  When I was 30, I would have toughed it out and claimed, “beauty is pain!”  But now, I’m too old for that shit.  Give me blue jeans and tennis shoes, any day.  (I do get dressed up and fancy for dates with my man, but that’s different than my 6am to 10pm work-as-a-stay-at-home-mom dress code, and I always wear comfortable shoes).

I prefer these.

I prefer these.

6.  The music I love and came of age on is now only played on the oldies stations.  I remember being a kid and being mortified when my parents listened to ‘their music.’  I can recall my dad rocking out to the 50’s and 60’s and thinking he was the oldest man in the world.  My mom listened to Neil Diamond, Helen Reddy, James Taylor and Barry Manilow.  Now, I love all four of these artists, and I am a Fanilow. The first concert I ever went to was Barry Manilow and I was eight years old.  I will never forget those palm trees coming out of the stage when he sang Copacabana.  I loved him, and still do.  However, when I was a teenager, I remember thinking my parents were so uncool because they didn’t understand MY music.  They couldn’t understand how important Aerosmith was to me, or Foreigner.  Journey, AC/DC, Steve Miller Band, ZZ Top, Creedence Clearwater Revival, the soundtracks to both Grease 1 and 2,  and eventually Madonna and Guns N Roses.  And then I went through my New Kids On The Block stage (don’t judge me), and eventually it was all about Grunge.  Nirvana, Bush, Alanis Morissette, the Stone Temple Pilots and Smashing Pumpkins.  My mother would shake her head at me and tell me to turn that crap down.  And now, I find myself listening to the popular music of today and thinking, “How does anyone listen to this shit?!”

7.  According to my husband, my hearing is going.  When I ask Dan a question, if he answers by saying, “No” all I hear is, “Yeah.”  I rarely ask him to repeat himself.

8.  New appliances excite me.  You know you’re old when you get excited over buying a new dishwasher, power washer, or coffee maker.  I got a new Dyson vacuum cleaner for Christmas and I felt like I won the lottery.

domestic man9.  I get turned on watching my husband do chores.  Man flesh does nothing for me.  Pictures of hot guys bearing their chests and showcasing a six-pack leaves me feeling…meh.  But watching my husband do dishes, laundry, rescue wayward animals,  and play at the park with our kids is the equivalent of old people porn.  Confident, successful, and happily domesticated men are sexy.  Period.

10.  When my daughter asks me, “Mom, how old were you when you got your first cell phone?”  LOL!  She’s mad at me because I won’t let her have a cell phone until she’s 13.  She has classmates who have them now and she feels left out.  In my opinion, fifth graders don’t need cell phones.  So when I told her I was 25 when I had my first cell phone, it was a regular phone, there was no app for that, it was the size of a regular cordless house phone, and I kept it in my glove box and used it only for emergencies because it cost like, fifty dollars per minute, she looked at me like I smoked crack.  And she learned about crack in school, so it was a nasty look.  Also, I seem to repel technology, and watching my kids run circles around me with new devices, games and programs makes me feel like my grandmother must have felt when I showed her how to use a cassette tape deck on my new boom box when I was in high school.

So, now that we’ve established the undeniable fact that I am turning into a crabby, appliance loving, no sexy shoe wearing, chase the hooligans off my lawn kind of spinster, what makes you feel old?

21 thoughts on “Wanda Says…This is how I know I’m getting old.

  1. “don’t fuck up my grass” would be an awesome line..haha. We would get along great musically. I love Guns N Roses and wouldn’t mind NKOTB. Most of today’s music is shit (#1 old person line). It’s not like any of it stands the test of time.

    I think if I had kids, the biggest reason for not wanting them to watch certain things on TV is that I would feel awkward watching it with them. Even as a kid I hated it when sex scenes came on when adults were in the room.

    Kids are probably huddling together around the smartphone that has porn and you can’t stop them…haha.

    I find myself thinking quite often..”All I want is some peace and quiet.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Bryn hates watching romantic scenes on TV. She get’s so embarrassed when we’re all watching TV and there is any form of physical affection going on between the characters. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, she buries her face and asks me to tell her when it’s over. That will change in the next couple of years, but for now I’m embracing her awkward embarrassment. One day, all too soon, she will look at me, roll her eyes and say, “It’s not like I’ve never seen boobs before, mom.” LOL!

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! My husband and I were just talking about this! I hate that when I go into a clothing store, even at the mall, everything looks like a 16 year old should be wearing it. WTH?

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  2. Lol, I graduated from high school in 1958. So I feel old when you thought your parents were ancient rocking out to oldies from my high school and college years. But my mom loved Glenn Miller and my dad loved Count Basie – so when Elvis appeared on the scene they felt like you do when you have to catch that remote. It’s all good. thanks for the giggle/

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL! I’m so glad you enjoyed it, and it just goes to show that everything is relative, right? My grandmother, who is 93, loved Lawrence Welk, and I remember thinking she was punishing me when she asked me to watch his show with her. LOL!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL… Love this post! I have to agree with Betsy, your writing style definitely reminds me of the late Erma Bombeck. What makes me feel old is when I happen to catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window and realize how I look when I am walking… all bent over like a lil’ old woman!! 😢

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Wanda! And I’m thinking you’re too sassy to walk all bent over like an old woman. I’ll bet if I passed you on the street, I’d be like, “Damn, girl, you want some fries with that shake?!” LOL! 😉

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  4. I think we’re sailing in the same boat Wanda … you did forget to mention the thankfulness of regular body functions though. Being happy your bowels work nicely every day is definitely a sign of getting older … and how about that presbyopia? Have you started wearing readers yet? I swear on my birthday of 45 I woke up and needed reading glasses!

    And about that husband hearing thing … it’s called SELECTIVE HEARING! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Actually, I just saw the eye doc yesterday, and he complimented me on how strong my eye muscles still were when he tested my vision up close. What a flatterer! I might have blushed a little. Also, as for the selective hearing comment, I don’t know what you’re talking about, you can’t prove anything, and I don’t think I heard you correctly. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: This is how I know I’m getting old, Part 2 | A Girl Named Wanda

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