Things have slowed down enough here where I can finally catch my breath! Last week both of my kids went back to school. Bryn started 6th grade at the local middle school and Bryce started Kindergarten! It was a pretty big deal for both of them, and the week before that we were busy with orientations, registration and back-to-school shopping. The days were so busy trying to prepare both of them for these major transitions into new schools that I never stopped to consider how I really felt about any of it. As the parent, you just do what has to be done and reassure them everything will be amazing, challenging and brilliant. Yay for school! And Yay! for having three hours to myself, every weekday, for the first time in I can’t remember how many years!
So, when I lost my shit on the first day of school I was a tad bit surprised. I really was. I had managed to get both kids ready for school pretty well with only a few raised voices and barked commands to brush teeth, comb hair and put on shoes. As we pulled up to the middle school, Bryn and I both got out of the vehicle to give her one last hug good-bye and a reassuring, “It’s going to be a great day!” She was excited and not nervous at all. As she turned her back and began walking into the school, I burst into tears. I looked at my husband as I was sobbing in the car and said, “I had no idea I was even upset about this!”
I managed to get through the Kindergarten drop off just fine. Bryce was cool about it and even helped another little boy who was crying by holding his hand and walking him into the class. I was really proud of my self for not becoming overly emotional on his first day ( I had pulled myself together at that point), and I was proud of him for being such a big boy. The next evening was the night before Bryce’s fifth birthday. I was tucking him into bed and as we were snuggling I started to get choked up. He asked why I was crying and I said, “Tomorrow morning you will wake up and be five. You will never be four again, and four was a really good year. Mommy is going to miss four.” He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said, “But I’ll always be your baby.” Well hell, just bring on the waterworks! I cried most of the next day, which was his actual birthday. It was the third day of school and it all just hit me like a Mac truck! He was five and in Kindergarten! My baby isn’t a baby anymore.
I asked Dan if he thought it was too late for us to have another one, and then we realized that I would be 47 by the time that child started Kindergarten and Dan would be 51. So yeah, we’re totally done having kids, which then made me cry more, so then I just drank a bunch of wine until I felt better.
Wine fixes everything. 🙂