In my never-ending quest to bring sexy back, I’ve been trying to incorporate some oldies but goodies in my workout routine. I still haven’t mastered the jumping jack, but to be honest, after my last humiliating attempt and fail at that childhood standard, I haven’t put much effort into it.
And recently, my fellow blogger, Elizabetcetera at da Vinci Total Hysterectomy 2014, encouraged me to try jumping rope. She assured me the experience would not be at all similar to my experiences using the jump rope as a child. And she was absolutely correct.
After attempting to jump rope during my workout today, all I can say is that gravity is an asshole.
I was able to jump rope, but half the time I couldn’t get both feet up off the ground fast enough and I ended up tripping on the rope with one foot while the other cleared it. And forget the continuous jump-bouncing of the past. Now I remember why teenage girls typically lose interest in jumping rope after going through puberty. Even with a sports bra on, my boobs kept trying to spring up and slap me in the face. Not cool, girls. Not cool at all.
I’d like to be all ‘I’m not a quitter,’ and tell you that I won’t stop until I master the beast, but the truth is that I am totally quitting this. I have no interest in doing that again, ever.
When did a jumping jack become the hardest exercise in the world? I was trying to do jumping jacks today as part of my workout, thanks to Jillian Michaels and her torturous 30 Day Shred, and instead of my body obeying my commands to jump in a coordinated fashion with my arms, I just sort of flopped around like I was having a vertical seizure.
I seriously could not get my arms and legs to coordinate in this movement that has been ingrained in me since I was a child. It was uncomfortable and it felt like someone had tied bricks to my feet for all the effort it took to get them off the ground. It’s a jumping jack. How could it be this hard? I also had trouble doing the butt-kickers. You know… that exercise where you jog in place and literally try to kick your own bum. I couldn’t seem to get my legs up high enough. This makes no sense! I can jog on the treadmill and get my legs moving just fine, but I struggle with jumping jacks and butt-kickers?
My body is responding to this criticism by saying, “Don’t blame me! You’re the one who hasn’t exercised us properly in the past five years! If you want to bring sexy back, learn to do a jumping jack!”
Well, I guess that’s fair.