That moment, in the early hours of the morning, when it’s still dark outside, and your kid, who managed to wiggle their way into your bed in the middle of the night, suddenly sits up and declares with panic in his voice, “My tummy hurts.”
You bolt awake, adrenaline filling your system as you grab your child, and run as fast as you can to the bathroom before Mount Vesuvius erupts in the middle of your bed. You just changed the sheets and a bed full of vomit is not something you want to deal with at 5am.
An hour later, after cuddling him through the stomach cramps, wiping his tears of fear, rubbing his back, administering Sprite, Tums, and a few Saltine crackers to get something in his stomach to absorb the acid, he looks at you and says, “I guess I just had to fart a couple of times, mommy. I’m ok.”
So, yeah. Good morning.
It rained spiders in Australia.
Did you hear me?
It fucking rained spiders in Australia!
The end is near.
This is what I imagine Hell would be like. Thousands of spiders falling from the sky! Every cell in my body is jumping around and screaming in agony at the thought.
I hate spiders. I’ve physically shuddered, my shoulders twitching, the hair on my arms standing up and chills racing up and down my spine, like ten times since I started typing this post. I keep imagining that something is crawling on me.
No shower of spiders, “ballooning” from the sky, covering my house in threads of silk so dense it looks like cotton. This sounds more like the plot line of a new horror movie, not a true scientific event that’s easily explained by arachnid migration patterns. This is seriously on par with a zombie apocalypse for me. I would never leave the house again for fear of one of them dangling from the rooftop waiting to touch me. Or worse, how could I not run from the house for fear that they would invade the openings or crevices of my home and work their way inside to crawl on me in my sleep! I saw the movie Arachnophobia, and I didn’t sleep for weeks.
One time, I noticed this horrible, disgusting, hairy spider clinging to the side mirror on my car as I was driving to work. I almost had to set fire to the car to get rid of that fucking spider!
I just threw up in my mouth a little looking at this picture. Thank God this isn’t a picture of my car. I borrowed this from Google.
I wish I didn’t know this. I wish I could somehow make my brain un-know it. I can never un-see this. I may never be able to travel to Australia now, and I’ve always wanted to go there. Australia is tainted for me now.
Spiders ruin everything.