Wanda Says…Happy New Year World!

happy new yearHappy New Year World!!!!!!!!!

I love starting the new year with good intentions.  I love the idea that everyone gets a do over.  A chance to make better choices,  or form a plan that somehow allows you to improve your life in some way.   So it’s fitting that my first post of 2015 will be about my New Year’s resolutions.

I know what you’re thinking.  How trite.  How B-O-R-I-N-G.  So typical.  So many people make resolutions and never keep them, myself included.  But I love the act of evaluating my life and the events of the previous year to set my course for the future.  I love the act of making a conscious choice to stop fucking shit up.

I think the reason so many people fail at their goals for the year is that they set their expectations too high.  I am also guilty of this and I can recall with painful clarity the moments over the years when my resolution failures became inevitable.  That moment every January 2nd when I said to hell with it and ate the cookie, cake, dessert, wine, pizza or other fried, delicious thing that officially broke the diet I started that morning.  This year I endeavor to break the mold.  This year, my resolutions will be completely attainable.  Low hanging fruit, so to speak, but fruit, nonetheless.

d2454645cd67290377a08d4d2d6ab067[1]1.   This year I will start my diet…..again….right after I finish eating the Godiva chocolate basket my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas.  It’s Godiva.  I’m not sharing it with anyone.  It’s mine.  I’ll work on being thinner after that delicious goodness is gone.  (Notice how I didn’t say I would lose weight?  I just said I would start my diet again.  See?  Low hanging fruit).

2.  This year I will do less laundry.  Bryn is old enough to learn how to do her own laundry and it’s time she started pulling her weight around here.  One less basket of laundry for me to wash and fold for someone else is one less week of procrastination a month.  That’s huge progress for me.  I can already tell it’s going to be a fabulous year!

This cat can sew better than I can.

This cat can sew better than I can.

3.  This year I will learn how to sew.  Bryn asked for a sewing machine for Christmas and her grandmother got her one.  It’s a real sewing machine and I need to help her learn to use it.  We will take a sewing class together so that I can learn alongside her and help her if she runs into trouble when she starts using her machine.  This is a sacrifice on my part because I have absolutely no interest in sewing, whatsoever.  But I look at it this way…….when the zombie apocalypse happens, people will need clothes when theirs get all nasty and torn with zombie warfare shit all over them, and as long as I know how to sew and make clothes, people will want to help keep me alive.  It’s a survival skill.

But this is a more realistic outcome.

But this is a more realistic outcome.

4.  I will grow a real garden this spring and use the canning equipment my husband bought me two years ago that’s sat untouched in the garage.  I’ve had a budding interest in gardening and canning for some time, and God only knows why.  I can’t imagine a hobby that more clearly declares that I am officially a boring, old woman.   It must be my Midwestern genes kicking in because no matter how hard I fight it, my instinct is to embrace the domestic goddess within me.  My head says, “I just want to paint my nails, lose weight and go buy leather pants,” and my heart is all, “No, you need to grow vegetables in the dirt, can delicious, preservative-free food for your family and plan for your future!”  (Sigh).  I think the domestic goddess is winning, and last year I had some success growing tomatoes and zucchini in my container garden.  The canning process still intimidates me, but again, it’s a survival skill.   If I can learn to do this,  I will know how to grow and preserve food when all the restaurants and grocery stores have been looted in the apocalypse and there is no food to be found.

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5.  I will drink more wine.  Wine is good.

I stole this picture from Facebook.

I stole this picture from Facebook.

6.  I will attempt to curse less.  Wait, what?  No, scratch that.  That won’t happen.

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7.  When my husband loads the dishwasher in a way that makes my OCD crazy, I vow that I will not rearrange everything the way that I want it.  Unless he isn’t home.  Then I will totally rearrange the dishes so they fit perfectly together they way the puzzle making dishwasher basket designers intended.

8.  And lastly, this year I am officially breaking up with wheat, depression, family drama, Spanx, people who take themselves too seriously, and my bathroom scale.  🙂

Also, to those of you who follow my Wanda, I just want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  The past five months of blogging has been more rewarding and fun than I could have imagined.  I have loved reading your blogs and learning about so many of your lives around the world.    I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and a Happy New Year!

Wanda Says…On my daughter’s opinion of wine and other nefarious substances.

Red RibbonThis week is Red Ribbon Week at my daughter’s elementary school.  You know, the whole ‘Just Say No to Drugs’ campaign. Yesterday was ‘Put Drugs To Sleep Pajama Day.’  Bryn wore her favorite pajamas to school and they had an assembly in the cafeteria.  Great.  No big deal.

I’m all for educating kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, until you (insert name of elementary school here) try and fuck with my wine.

My husband and I are causal drinkers.  We enjoy a glass of wine or beer in the evening.  We especially love wine.  It’s relaxing, it tastes good, and one glass at the end of a rough day is just enough to smooth out the edges of my stay-home-mommy-madness.

Bryn came home from school yesterday and this was the conversation she initiated with me:

Bryn:  Mom, we learned about drugs at school again this year, and guess what my teacher said.  Did you know that alcohol is the same as drugs?  Beer and wine is alcohol, and that’s the same as drugs.  My teacher said so.  So when you and daddy drink wine, you’re eating drugs.  When daddy drinks his Blue Moon Beer, he is eating drugs!  (She looks scandalized because now she thinks we’re drug addicts).

Me:  No, that’s not true.

Bryn:  Yes it is.  My teacher said so.

Me:  Bryn, alcohol is similar to drugs because if you consume too much of it, it can be harmful.  It can impair your senses and make you sick.  But if an adult drinks one or two glasses of beer or wine, it’s not the same as taking drugs.  Alcohol is not illegal like the drugs you’ve learned about.  It’s not the same.  It’s important for kids to learn about the dangers of drug use when you’re young so that when you are older you can make good choices and recognize unhealthy behavior, like taking drugs or drinking to much alcohol and acting irresponsibly.  Of course kids shouldn’t drink alcohol any more than they should do drugs, but an adult of legal age having a glass of wine is not the same as taking illegal drugs.

Bryn:  Yes it is.  My teacher said so.

Me:  Bryn, it isn’t the same.

Bryn:  Yes it is.

(At this point I’m trying not to raise my voice.)

Bryn:  I’m telling daddy that he eats drugs when he drinks his wine.

Me:  You go ahead and tell daddy that, and let me know how that works out for you.

After dinner, my husband poured himself a glass of wine.  I watched as Bryn eyed the wine with a practiced stink eye.  And then she said, “Daddy, guess what I learned at school today.”

I think I speak for both my husband and I, as well as many other parents of school age children when I say this…

Dear (Insert name of elementary school here), thank you for teaching my child that her parents, and most of her friends parents, are potential drug addicts.  Thank you for trying to deprive parents of the liquid life-support that we need in order for us to get through a school year.

How am I, and all the other parents, supposed to endure the endless hours of homework, common core bullshit, and instrument practice you send home each day?

screaming womanDo you have any idea how hard it is to sit for 15 minutes every night and listen to my child attempt to play the flute for the fifth grade band?  That shit is excruciating, and I can listen and be supportive and give her a thumbs up for her attempts to blow air into that God forsaken metal tube, and tolerate the horrific noise that sounds like dying birds only because of my dear friend, Chardonnay.

Chardonnay understands that I need to stay calm and composed when I am unable to help my daughter with her fifth grade math.  Pinot Grigio understands when my daughter has three to four hours of homework every night.  Sauvignon Blanc is prepared to help me comfort and calm my child when she is overwhelmed and exhausted over the ridiculous responsibilities and pressures put on elementary school kids.

Additionally, let’s consider the extensive volunteer responsibilities you demand of parents.  For example, the only way I am even willing to volunteer at the school Halloween carnival in the food booth line, standing on my feet for two hours asking a thousand people if they want cheese on their hamburger, is because I know I get to go home and enjoy a glass of wine after my shift!  You cannot ruin wine for me, so stop trying.

wineSo, (insert name of elementary school here), take a moment to consider the impossible position you just put two hundred parents in tonight, trying to reassure their kids that we don’t do drugs.  Better yet, why don’t you just calm down, and have a glass of wine.  🙂