Wanda Says…On my daughter’s opinion of wine and other nefarious substances.

Red RibbonThis week is Red Ribbon Week at my daughter’s elementary school.  You know, the whole ‘Just Say No to Drugs’ campaign. Yesterday was ‘Put Drugs To Sleep Pajama Day.’  Bryn wore her favorite pajamas to school and they had an assembly in the cafeteria.  Great.  No big deal.

I’m all for educating kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, until you (insert name of elementary school here) try and fuck with my wine.

My husband and I are causal drinkers.  We enjoy a glass of wine or beer in the evening.  We especially love wine.  It’s relaxing, it tastes good, and one glass at the end of a rough day is just enough to smooth out the edges of my stay-home-mommy-madness.

Bryn came home from school yesterday and this was the conversation she initiated with me:

Bryn:  Mom, we learned about drugs at school again this year, and guess what my teacher said.  Did you know that alcohol is the same as drugs?  Beer and wine is alcohol, and that’s the same as drugs.  My teacher said so.  So when you and daddy drink wine, you’re eating drugs.  When daddy drinks his Blue Moon Beer, he is eating drugs!  (She looks scandalized because now she thinks we’re drug addicts).

Me:  No, that’s not true.

Bryn:  Yes it is.  My teacher said so.

Me:  Bryn, alcohol is similar to drugs because if you consume too much of it, it can be harmful.  It can impair your senses and make you sick.  But if an adult drinks one or two glasses of beer or wine, it’s not the same as taking drugs.  Alcohol is not illegal like the drugs you’ve learned about.  It’s not the same.  It’s important for kids to learn about the dangers of drug use when you’re young so that when you are older you can make good choices and recognize unhealthy behavior, like taking drugs or drinking to much alcohol and acting irresponsibly.  Of course kids shouldn’t drink alcohol any more than they should do drugs, but an adult of legal age having a glass of wine is not the same as taking illegal drugs.

Bryn:  Yes it is.  My teacher said so.

Me:  Bryn, it isn’t the same.

Bryn:  Yes it is.

(At this point I’m trying not to raise my voice.)

Bryn:  I’m telling daddy that he eats drugs when he drinks his wine.

Me:  You go ahead and tell daddy that, and let me know how that works out for you.

After dinner, my husband poured himself a glass of wine.  I watched as Bryn eyed the wine with a practiced stink eye.  And then she said, “Daddy, guess what I learned at school today.”

I think I speak for both my husband and I, as well as many other parents of school age children when I say this…

Dear (Insert name of elementary school here), thank you for teaching my child that her parents, and most of her friends parents, are potential drug addicts.  Thank you for trying to deprive parents of the liquid life-support that we need in order for us to get through a school year.

How am I, and all the other parents, supposed to endure the endless hours of homework, common core bullshit, and instrument practice you send home each day?

screaming womanDo you have any idea how hard it is to sit for 15 minutes every night and listen to my child attempt to play the flute for the fifth grade band?  That shit is excruciating, and I can listen and be supportive and give her a thumbs up for her attempts to blow air into that God forsaken metal tube, and tolerate the horrific noise that sounds like dying birds only because of my dear friend, Chardonnay.

Chardonnay understands that I need to stay calm and composed when I am unable to help my daughter with her fifth grade math.  Pinot Grigio understands when my daughter has three to four hours of homework every night.  Sauvignon Blanc is prepared to help me comfort and calm my child when she is overwhelmed and exhausted over the ridiculous responsibilities and pressures put on elementary school kids.

Additionally, let’s consider the extensive volunteer responsibilities you demand of parents.  For example, the only way I am even willing to volunteer at the school Halloween carnival in the food booth line, standing on my feet for two hours asking a thousand people if they want cheese on their hamburger, is because I know I get to go home and enjoy a glass of wine after my shift!  You cannot ruin wine for me, so stop trying.

wineSo, (insert name of elementary school here), take a moment to consider the impossible position you just put two hundred parents in tonight, trying to reassure their kids that we don’t do drugs.  Better yet, why don’t you just calm down, and have a glass of wine.  🙂


11 thoughts on “Wanda Says…On my daughter’s opinion of wine and other nefarious substances.

  1. Wanda, I see that you’ve mentioned only WHITE wine here. Do you like red wine? It sounds like this is a good time for a discussion about: 1) responsible drinking in moderation, and 2) the health benefits of drinking red wine. Here’s a link if you need some help: http://www.postcrescent.com/story/life/family/2014/10/20/health-benefits-drinking-wine/17241779/

    This also may be a time to explain OVERSIMPLIFICATION playing to Bryn’s intelligence by telling her that she’s smarter than her average school aged chum and tell her you and dad and going to let her in on some insider information. I’m not religious but you can also mention that WINE is mentioned in the Bible … and don’t forget that Catholics and some other religious groups use wine in their “blood of Christ” rituals.

    I’d also add that people abuse drugs to get HIGH, whereas RESPONSIBLE wine & beer drinking is done at mealtime, social events, at home with families, celebratory occasions AND that mom & dad are not trying to get high or stoned or drunk … I’d leave out the part of making listening to flute practice more palatable though. Personally, I’d probably RESORT to actual drugs if I had that sh*t playing in my house! Good thing the cats don’t have opposable thumbs!

    And here’s THREE UNEXPECTED BENEFITS of drinking wine: http://greatideas.people.com/2014/10/09/wine-health-benefits/

    And remember those dental problems you mentioned from the past along with the new acne … turns out wine (red) can be good for these too: http://www.bustle.com/articles/42796-compound-found-in-red-wine-may-help-clear-acne-so-go-ahead-and-pour-yourself-a (the pic of Betty White in this article is worth seeing)

    And: “So how much should you drink for health benefits? The positive effects come from moderate wine consumption, defined by the American Heart Association as one to two 4-ounce glasses a day.”

    So, you might have to tell Bryn that you HAVE to drink wine for your health! You don’t have to tell her it’s for your sanity too! 🙂

    And if you can get Bryn into French classes that discuss culture perhaps the taboo of wine will wear off. Also, if there are any breweries around your community, that would make a really cool outing for dad & daughter to SEE how beer is made.

    And here’s an article that touts the benefit of BEER drinking: http://www.medicaldaily.com/battle-booze-fine-wine-over-good-beer-really-healthy-choice-307036

    From the above linked article: Experimental Research found during a 20-year period, those who didn’t drink alcohol suffered from the highest mortality rates at 59 percent … Regular, moderate drinking can increase your longevity and improve your overall health in various ways.”

    You guys better drink up because I’m sure Bryn would not want you two dying sooner than later leaving her an orphan!

    Cheers! 🙂


    • LOL! You have provided me with some solid ammunition! I love it! And have you ever thought about being a researcher? You kick ass at this stuff! And to answer your question, I prefer white wine to red. I can drink some reds, but most of them feel very heavy to me and taste like Robotussin. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am an amateur SEARCHOLOGIST BTW!

        About the reds … I prefer French red wines … my favorites are Beaujolais and Cote du Rhone. Perhaps for you taste palate a Cote du Rhone would be a great starter wine that didn’t taste like Robitussin! HA!

        Beaujolais is a light red wine made with Gamay Noir grapes.

        Primary Fruit flavors Raspberry, Tart Cherry, Cranberry
        Other flavors Mushroom, Forest Floor, Smoke, Violet, Baker’s Yeast, Banana, Bubblegum
        Acidity High
        Tannin Low
        Alcohol Level 10-13% ABV
        Serving Temperature Slightly chilled 54-58 °F

        It is a LIGHT wine with LOW tannins … I also noticed that in the flavor profile Robitussin (or cough syrup) was NOT included! The color of Beaujolais is my favorite.

        Link: http://winefolly.com/review/beaujolais-wine-region-map/

        A film you could watch with a plate of nice cheese, a baguette and your wine would be Somm — if you haven’t seen it already. It’s a documentary — that isn’t boring — about sommeliers and the challenges of becoming a master: http://midwestwinepress.com/2013/06/17/review-of-somm-the-movie/

        Here’s a link for the trailer: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2204371/

        Totally, totally recommend this movie — it will blow your mind on the subject of wine! I knew it was complex but didn’t truly appreciate it until seeing this film.

        Cheers again! 🙂


      • Again, you’re brilliant! I will totally try it, and my husband LOVES wine, so he will enjoy the documentary as well. Cheese is not on my diet these days, but screw that, cause I love cheese and wine! 😉


  2. When I eventually get around to having kids I know exactly what I should be stocking my refrigerator with… some good ole moscato. Or perhaps chardonnay if my pallet ever grows out of it’s baby stage that can’t handle anything thats not ridiculously sweet. I don’t suppose red moscato counts as red wine for those health benefits? hehe ;P

    Liked by 1 person

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