Wanda Says…100 is a great number!

November 12, 2014 / Wanda / 13 Comments

I gave myself a trophy!

I woke up this morning, checked some notifications on WordPress and discovered that my follower count hit 100 today. I have 100 followers!

I realize this number will seem insignificant to many people, but to me it’s huge. I never expected more than a handful of people to read this blog and I assumed the majority of that handful would be family or friends.

So this just made my day! 🙂

Wanda Says…Silliness, Shenanigans and Air Guitar.

November 9, 2014 / Wanda / 11 Comments

I have very little sympathy for my kids when I embarrass them, especially when the embarrassment takes place in the privacy of our own home over silliness and varied shenanigans. I also feel that occasionally embarrassing my children is a necessary action of parenting. It’s a public service really, because I am preparing them to deal with the insanity of the real world.

Last night, my husband and I had a date, and I was in my room getting ready. I was listening to the Journey station on Pandora and Bryce was laying on my bed talking to me. And then it happened.

Pandora began to play one of my favorite jams…Jukebox Hero by Foreigner.

I am not physically capable of restraining myself during that song. Every Midwestern, rock star wannabe cell in my body rises to the occasion and becomes the music. I ran to the remote and cranked up the volume. I did not care that Bryce had a slightly alarmed look on his face.

I sang. Loudly. I danced. I threw my hair around. (I grew up on 70’s and 80’s rock music, so my hair banging skills are exceptional). I rocked the air guitar and I embraced the moment. My guitar solo was totally badass. Or, I imagined it was as I rocked that shit all over my bedroom.

At one point I saw that Bryce had his hands over his ears with his face scrunched up and he seemed to be shouting something to me. His eyes were wide and his face was red with the tell-tale signs of mortification and agitation over my less than mature behavior.

I kept singing to him and playing my air guitar.

Then I heard Bryce shout to me, “Mommy, what are you doing? Stop it!”

He was embarrassed of his mother. It’s more likely that he was embarrassed for me, but regardless, he was clearly not appreciative of my sweet dance moves, less than perfect rocker voice, or my expert hair thrashing.

So I turned up the music and sang louder. 🙂

Wanda Says…On the importance of wagons.

November 5, 2014 / Wanda / 8 Comments

I fell off the wagon.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I jumped off the wagon. Except my wagon isn’t just a workout wagon. My wagon is a high maintenance, high protein, sweaty, fruit and vegetable cart.

After three months of living in my workout clothes and having very little to show for it, I took a break. I stopped working out for about two weeks. I drank wine. I ate pizza, burritos and Halloween candy.

It was a little scary at first. I had become so routine with my workouts and I was following a very structured whole foods diet for about a month, purging my house of so many unhealthy processed foods. So the first time I allowed myself to eat a slice of pizza, I did so with trepidation. Isn’t that ridiculous? As if the cheese on my pizza or the pizza crust would cause my body to instantly self-destruct the moment I swallowed it. That’s how I felt. When you educate yourself and understand what you’re really putting into your body when you eat processed, preservative and chemical laced foods, it really can be a bit scary when you knowingly choose to ignore that knowledge and eat it anyway.

But eat it, I did. And it was sooooooo good! I wish I could tell you I didn’t miss it. I wish I could tell you that eating healthier whole foods for a period of time had erased my love of sugar and complex carbohydrates, but that would be a lie of ginormous proportions.

I didn’t completely lose my mind. I followed the general outlines of my diet for the most part, still eating a lot of protein and high fiber carbs. But if I wanted some chocolate after dinner, or an extra glass of wine with my meal during my little hiatus, I indulged. One morning I ate toast with white, fluffy, delicious bread and Jif Peanut Butter. Another night I had pizza because I was sick to death of cooking. For me, that’s the hardest part of trying to eat clean. You have to prepare everything yourself from all fresh, natural, organic ingredients. The meals I cook taste great, but that’s a lot of meal preparation when you eat five times a day and still have a thousand other things that have to get done between the kids, work, housework, homework, etc… There is no convenient opening a package and putting it in the microwave. No take out. No delivery. No restaurants. I miss restaurants.

Surprisingly, I didn’t gain any weight. To date, I’m down six pounds, still averaging about a half pound a week. Trying to eat healthy all the time, workout every day, and still not see more noticeable physical results for weeks and weeks is very defeating. Some days it makes me question why I deprive myself at all. Why put myself through this hard work and abstain from all the delicious foods, convenience and restaurants I enjoy for a measly six pounds?

And the answer is that because losing six pounds is better than gaining six pounds. Being less tired and having more energy is worth it. Showing my kids that no matter how slow and frustrating the process can be, that mommy isn’t going to give up, makes it worth it. Knowing I’m slowly improving my health and the overall health of my family through being more conscientious of our physical activity and eating habits makes it worth it. It’s not a sexy answer, or a fun one. But it’s the truth.

After two weeks of lazy self-indulgence, I don’t feel any better for it. Oh sure, I enjoyed my Halloween candy, but not to the point where I can give up all the hard work I’ve done thus far. So today, I chased down my wagon. I’ve realized that I need the foundation of that metaphorical wagon to build on for my continued success. The wagon helps me with focus and temperance. It’s a symbol, or a reminder of what I am trying to accomplish. There might be some gaps in the boards of that wagon, where occasionally chocolate and cheese can creep through, or a bottle of wine, but as long as the foundation is solid, I can live with that.

Here’s to the next six pounds! 🙂

Wanda Says…I was nominated for a Liebster Award!

November 4, 2014 / Wanda / 13 Comments

Recently I was nominated for the Liebster Award by my fellow blogger, Sweety Kannoth at The ‘Pen’lightenment of the Soul. Thank you Sweety! And please accept my apology for the lateness of my response to your nomination.

I’ve seen this award on other blogs I’ve read and followed, and while I’m still figuring out the ins and outs of blogger nominated awards, I am extremely flattered and appreciate the mention.

For other bloggers to whom I will pass this on, here are the rules:

1. Link and thank the person who nominated you

2. Answer the questions they asked you

3. Pick eleven awesome bloggers to nominate ( preferably those with less than or around 200 followers )

4. Ask them eleven questions

5. Let them know by commenting on one of their posts

Here are my questions, provided by Sweety Kannoth :

Give one word to describe your blog.—Honest
What is that one quality that makes you different from other bloggers.—I have no idea. I think other bloggers would have to decide that for themselves. I’m not trying to be different from anyone, I’m just trying to be me.
Which is that one place in the entire world that you would want to visit before you die?—Egypt, and the Giza Plateau. I need to see the pyramids before I die. I know the aliens built that shit, and I want to see it with my own eyes. LOL! Just kidding! Seriously though, I think it would be an amazing experience to stand before that incredible example of ancient engineering and world history.
Name three things that inspire your writings or pictures.—My family, my personal interests, and my depression. Depression can be a tough subject to talk about, and I’ve found the best way to deal with it is to make fun of it.
What according to you is more important, money or memories?—Memories, of course, but I would like to have money so that I can go to fun and exciting places to make more memories. Let’s face it, memories in your living room are good, but memories of amazing and sometimes disastrous family vacations can be epic.
Which is that one place, close to your home that always makes you take out your pen or camera?—The beach by our house. We live a few miles from the Pacific Ocean and Manhattan Beach. At the right time of day, it can be breathtaking. My husband took this picture not too long ago, so you can see exactly what I mean.
What is that one quality you look for most in a friend?—Loyalty
How did you start with blogging?—Depression was slowly eating my soul, and I needed a hobby to help me feel like me again. My husband suggested it because he knew I needed an outlet, and he thinks I’m funny. 🙂
9. Which is your most favorite holiday destination to date? (a place you have been)—We usually only travel to see family on the holidays, and those are not exciting locales. We love seeing the family, but not necessarily the location. So I would have to say that as far as my favorite places to travel, Chicago is my favorite city. First runner up would be New York City, and then the Caribbean after that. Barbados is my favorite island in the Caribbean.
What is your favorite hobby other than blogging?—Reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Which is your favorite movie and why?—The Goonies, because Goonies never say die!!!!!!!!!

So now I’m supposed to nominate eleven new bloggers for this award, but the problem is that I don’t know eleven new bloggers to nominate. I’ve only been blogging for three months, and most of the bloggers I follow have been around a lot longer than that and have already participated in this award. So, I will nominate these great bloggers, and more later on as I find them:

http://joyceharkness.com/ (Because she is incredibly smart and inspiring).

http://positivelyeffervescent.wordpress.com/ (Because everything she writes makes me laugh).

http://wandaringthroughlalaland.wordpress.com/ (Because she is hilarious and her name is also Wanda)!

http://brandedexplorer.wordpress.com/ (Because she is quirky, sarcastic and funny).

http://hysterectomy4dysmenorrhea.wordpress.com/ (Because she is also hilarious, smart, and she’s not afraid to tackle some really tough subjects with regard to women’s health and wellness).

If any of you nominated choose not to participate, that’s fine. I completely understand. But if you do choose to accept the award, please answer the same eleven questions stated above.

Thanks again for the nomination, and have a great week! 🙂

Wanda Says…On my daughter’s opinion of wine and other nefarious substances.

October 31, 2014October 31, 2014 / Wanda / 11 Comments

This week is Red Ribbon Week at my daughter’s elementary school. You know, the whole ‘Just Say No to Drugs’ campaign. Yesterday was ‘Put Drugs To Sleep Pajama Day.’ Bryn wore her favorite pajamas to school and they had an assembly in the cafeteria. Great. No big deal.

I’m all for educating kids about the dangers of drugs and alcohol, until you (insert name of elementary school here) try and fuck with my wine.

My husband and I are causal drinkers. We enjoy a glass of wine or beer in the evening. We especially love wine. It’s relaxing, it tastes good, and one glass at the end of a rough day is just enough to smooth out the edges of my stay-home-mommy-madness.

Bryn came home from school yesterday and this was the conversation she initiated with me:

Bryn: Mom, we learned about drugs at school again this year, and guess what my teacher said. Did you know that alcohol is the same as drugs? Beer and wine is alcohol, and that’s the same as drugs. My teacher said so. So when you and daddy drink wine, you’re eating drugs. When daddy drinks his Blue Moon Beer, he is eating drugs! (She looks scandalized because now she thinks we’re drug addicts).

Me: No, that’s not true.

Bryn: Yes it is. My teacher said so.

Me: Bryn, alcohol is similar to drugs because if you consume too much of it, it can be harmful. It can impair your senses and make you sick. But if an adult drinks one or two glasses of beer or wine, it’s not the same as taking drugs. Alcohol is not illegal like the drugs you’ve learned about. It’s not the same. It’s important for kids to learn about the dangers of drug use when you’re young so that when you are older you can make good choices and recognize unhealthy behavior, like taking drugs or drinking to much alcohol and acting irresponsibly. Of course kids shouldn’t drink alcohol any more than they should do drugs, but an adult of legal age having a glass of wine is not the same as taking illegal drugs.

Bryn: Yes it is. My teacher said so.

Me: Bryn, it isn’t the same.

Bryn: Yes it is.

(At this point I’m trying not to raise my voice.)

Bryn: I’m telling daddy that he eats drugs when he drinks his wine.

Me: You go ahead and tell daddy that, and let me know how that works out for you.

After dinner, my husband poured himself a glass of wine. I watched as Bryn eyed the wine with a practiced stink eye. And then she said, “Daddy, guess what I learned at school today.”

I think I speak for both my husband and I, as well as many other parents of school age children when I say this…

Dear (Insert name of elementary school here), thank you for teaching my child that her parents, and most of her friends parents, are potential drug addicts. Thank you for trying to deprive parents of the liquid life-support that we need in order for us to get through a school year.

How am I, and all the other parents, supposed to endure the endless hours of homework, common core bullshit, and instrument practice you send home each day?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to sit for 15 minutes every night and listen to my child attempt to play the flute for the fifth grade band? That shit is excruciating, and I can listen and be supportive and give her a thumbs up for her attempts to blow air into that God forsaken metal tube, and tolerate the horrific noise that sounds like dying birds only because of my dear friend, Chardonnay.

Chardonnay understands that I need to stay calm and composed when I am unable to help my daughter with her fifth grade math. Pinot Grigio understands when my daughter has three to four hours of homework every night. Sauvignon Blanc is prepared to help me comfort and calm my child when she is overwhelmed and exhausted over the ridiculous responsibilities and pressures put on elementary school kids.

Additionally, let’s consider the extensive volunteer responsibilities you demand of parents. For example, the only way I am even willing to volunteer at the school Halloween carnival in the food booth line, standing on my feet for two hours asking a thousand people if they want cheese on their hamburger, is because I know I get to go home and enjoy a glass of wine after my shift! You cannot ruin wine for me, so stop trying.

So, (insert name of elementary school here), take a moment to consider the impossible position you just put two hundred parents in tonight, trying to reassure their kids that we don’t do drugs. Better yet, why don’t you just calm down, and have a glass of wine. 🙂

Wanda Says…True Confessions: My parental failure as the Tooth Fairy

October 28, 2014 / Wanda / 20 Comments

My Tooth Fairy track record was spotless…until today.

Last Friday night our family attended the annual Halloween Carnival at Bryn’s school. At some point during the carnival, Bryn was eating a candy bar and accidentally ate a loose tooth. She told me later she felt something hard while she was chewing but thought it was a peanut in the candy bar so she just swallowed it. She showed me the gap in her teeth when we got home, and she expressed her concern that the Tooth Fairy wouldn’t come because she didn’t have a tooth to leave under her pillow. I assured her it wouldn’t matter and the Tooth Fairly would come. Keep in mind, Bryn is ten years old now, so that should tell you how good I am at playing the Tooth Fairy.

But I forgot. I totally forgot. Last night, I went into Bryn’s room to say goodnight and to collect my nightly snuggles. This is what I found on her bedside table…

It was so cute and totally something Bryn would do. And of course I felt horrible that I had forgotten. So I said, “Oh, that’s really sweet Bryn. I’m sure the Tooth Fairy will come tonight.” And then Bryn says, “Well, that note has been sitting there for three days and she hasn’t come, so I doubt it.”

Do you hear that? It’s the sound of my heart breaking. It’s the sound of my failure as a mother. My daughter left a note for the Tooth Fairy in plain sight on her bedside table, and not only did I forget that she lost a tooth, but I totally failed to recognize it or pay attention. I am an asshole. It doesn’t take a lot to remember to give your kid a dollar for a lost tooth. It’s not hard. And I blew it. Later, I went to bed vowing to rectify this situation.

I woke up this morning and dressed. I walked down the hall to wake Bryn up for school and saw that damn note sitting on her bedside table. I forgot again! What the fuck is wrong with me?! So I crept back to my room, gathered enough change to equal a dollar, and snuck into her room. I put the change on her table and then collected the note and put it in my pocket.

I woke her up and started to get her clothes together for her. I casually mentioned that the Tooth Fairy finally came. Bryn looks at the money, then looks at me with the most perceptive, adult expression I’ve ever seen her wear. She then says, “I find it interesting that the Tooth Fairy finally came after I showed you the note last night. You didn’t have anything to do with this, did you?” And she smiles. It was a knowing smile. It was a ‘you’re-busted-and-you-can’t-deceive-me-any-longer’ smile.

I did the only thing I could at that point. I confessed. She’s ten, and I was lucky I got away with the charade as long as I did. I looked at her and said, “You’re right. I am the Tooth Fairy. I am so sorry I forgot about your tooth, but you can’t tell your brother!”

She took it well, which was a relief. When she was in third grade I had to tell her that Leprechauns weren’t real and she lost her shit. She was so pissed at me. But her class was building Leprechaun traps for St. Patrick’s Day and she kept going on and on about how she was so sure the trap she designed would work. So her response this morning was a welcome relief. She smiled, hugged me and acted like it was no big deal. She got her money, which at this point is probably more important to her than believing in the Tooth Fairy.

Despite her forgiveness and understanding, I still feel like a bad mom. There are only so many things we can do for our kids to instill a sense of magic and wonder in the world. And I suppose the fact that she is old enough to know the truth signifies the end of some of that magic. And that makes me sad. 😦

Wanda Says…Gourd-geous Halloween Pumpkins!

October 27, 2014 / Wanda / 23 Comments

I love Halloween. It’s one of my favorite holidays. On a good year, I will go crazy and decorate the house with all kinds of cool stuff. However, the past few years I’ve been less enthusiastic about putting the effort into it. It just seems like so much work, and that stupid bastard we call Depression has done its best to ensure that I have no energy or desire for the project.

Halloween pumpkins are a different story, though. I never slack on the pumpkins, and my family and I take our pumpkin decorating seriously. It’s become an annual tradition that we enjoy so much for the creativity, as well as the time spent being together as a family.

We set up the back yard as our work area. Sometimes we do themes, or coordinate our pumpkins. Here are a few examples of our work.

This first picture is Halloween 2012.

Halloween 2013…as you can see, we chose a Peanuts theme.

We put so much effort into our pumpkins, but typically within two days our pumpkins look like this….

Last year it took exactly 48 hours for our pumpkins to disintegrate and turn into pumpkin mold soup on my front porch. It’s disgusting.

I remember our pumpkins lasting forever when we were kids. We would carve them two weeks before Halloween and they would just be starting to form the dots of mold a few days before the holiday. But living in a cooler climate was responsible for that extended preservation. When the temps drop to 40 degrees at night, the pumpkins are basically refrigerated. That is not the case here in southern California.

So this year we decided to do something a little different. This year, we painted our pumpkins instead of carving them. We went to Michael’s and bought props, acrylic paint, googly eyes, fake mustaches and eye brows. We didn’t follow a theme, but I think they turned out pretty good.

Here is our 2014 completed collection…

Individually, I would like to introduce you to Bryn’s creation, Ms. Pumpkin 2014.

Bryce’s creation (with Daddy’s help), Mr. Mario Cart.

My husbands creation, The Clown. I told my husband his clown looked worried, like he may have just accidentally shit himself.

And lastly, there was my pumpkin. I don’t have a name for it, but I think it looks pretty badass.

Happy Halloween! 🙂

PS…Bryn wants to know which pumpkin you like the best. I kept insisting that this was not a contest, just a fun family activity. But she would still like you to vote, so if you don’t mind please cast your vote in the comments section. Thanks!

Wanda Says…Jumping rope is hard.

October 22, 2014 / Wanda / 6 Comments

In my never-ending quest to bring sexy back, I’ve been trying to incorporate some oldies but goodies in my workout routine. I still haven’t mastered the jumping jack, but to be honest, after my last humiliating attempt and fail at that childhood standard, I haven’t put much effort into it.

And recently, my fellow blogger, Elizabetcetera at da Vinci Total Hysterectomy 2014, encouraged me to try jumping rope. She assured me the experience would not be at all similar to my experiences using the jump rope as a child. And she was absolutely correct.

After attempting to jump rope during my workout today, all I can say is that gravity is an asshole.

I was able to jump rope, but half the time I couldn’t get both feet up off the ground fast enough and I ended up tripping on the rope with one foot while the other cleared it. And forget the continuous jump-bouncing of the past. Now I remember why teenage girls typically lose interest in jumping rope after going through puberty. Even with a sports bra on, my boobs kept trying to spring up and slap me in the face. Not cool, girls. Not cool at all.

I’d like to be all ‘I’m not a quitter,’ and tell you that I won’t stop until I master the beast, but the truth is that I am totally quitting this. I have no interest in doing that again, ever.

Wanda Says…Have you checked your spam folder lately?

October 17, 2014October 17, 2014 / Wanda / 9 Comments

Have you ever really examined the contents of your spam folder? I have Yahoo as my personal email provider, and I’ve heard they’re the worst for spam. It’s probably true, given the high quantity of suggestive advertisements sent to me on a regular basis. I never open the emails, but I do get some entertainment from reading the email titles.

My favorite and most reoccurring spam is from the Local Sluts. I’m always getting emails from the Local Sluts, asking me to join. This is a real thing, people. I’m not making it up.

What makes me laugh about this is that I had no idea the local sluts were so organized. I also had no idea they were recruiting publicly. I always assumed that trade to be more of a back alley sort of thing. But no more! The sluts have gone public and they want your membership!

I am curious what they do at their meetings, though. Do they meet at the library? Do they have membership tiers, discuss recruitment and offer incentives for bringing in new members? Like, if you sign up four new sluts, do you get a bonus or a prize? And what does it mean to be a Local Slut? I have so many questions, but I have a feeling they make you actually show up to the meeting before they dish about the details. Just like those assholes who sell timeshares. They make you sit through two hours of property sales pitches before they give you your two free movie tickets.

And I’m the most non-slutty person there is. I’d never pass the slut test. I don’t even know how to flirt properly anymore. My idea of flirting is to waggle my eyebrows at my husband and smack him on the ass as I walk by. Also, I don’t look good in short skirts and stilettos. I’m more of a Capri pants and cardigan twin set kind of girl. I can rock a pony tail and sweat pants all day long, but a skin tight mini-dress…not so much.

I just realized I’m being very unfair to the Local Sluts. I’m making assumptions about what they wear based on the name of their group, and that’s wrong. Maybe sluts don’t even dress slutty anymore. Maybe they wear mom clothes! Oh my God! That’s why they’ve been trying to contact me so aggressively! They’ve seen me out in my yoga pants and baggy t-shirts, and I had no idea this was the new hot! I’ve been flaunting myself all over Target, and the grocery store, and the neighborhood, giving the impression that my mommy hotness was somehow up for a membership grab, and those sluts have been going crazy trying to recruit me!

Fortunately for me, I’m not looking to make any major career moves right now. Some time ago, when I was contemplating what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, I asked my daughter what she thought I would be good at. She said, “You’re good at speaking, and snuggling, and loving.” I told her I couldn’t make a career out of those things and she asked me why. So I told her that one, the only career suited to those qualities went against my moral code, and two, Daddy would have a problem with it. She had no idea what I was talking about (thank God) and looked at me like I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I’m currently unavailable and uninterested in becoming a member of the Local Sluts. I would say that I’m flattered by the invitation, but that would be a lie. Thanks for all the effort folks, but please direct your emails to more interested parties. If I was single, and even a little bit slutty……nope, not even then.

Wanda Says…On my daughter’s opinion of French kissing.

October 15, 2014 / Wanda / 8 Comments

Last night my ten year old daughter came into my room to say good-night to me, and she initiated a conversation about some new and enlightening things she learned at school that day.

Although I ask her every day how school went and what fun things happened, she often waits until right before bed to share the juicier, more dramatic details, which pretty much guarantees I won’t be sleeping through the night, because I’ll be having nightmares about how she’s growing up too fast.

The conversation went like this:

Bryn: Oh my gosh, Mom! I forgot to tell you what I learned at school today!

Me: What was that?

Bryn: Well, during recess, my friends and I were talking, and you’re never going to believe this! My friend said that there’s this thing called French kissing, and that means that two people kiss with their tongues! Like lizards, Mom! They wrap their tongues together like lizards! And guess what?! It’s true!! People really do that!

Me: (starting to sweat)

Bryn: And guess what else! In France, there are beaches where people don’t wear their clothes! They go to the beach naked, Mom!!! Can you believe that? (she dissolves into hysterical giggles and laughter) Have you ever heard of these things?

Me: (sigh) Bryn, I promised you I would always be honest with you, so yes, I have heard of these things and they are all true. Except nude beaches aren’t limited to France. Many countries have beaches where clothing is optional. I also have to tell you that I’m not sure I’m ready for you to know about this stuff yet. I’m not ready for you to know about French kissing and nude beaches.

Bryn: I know, Mom. (she kisses me on the cheek to console me)

Me: What did you think when your friend told you about this stuff?

Bryn: I think French kissing sounds disgusting! (she makes a sour face, a gagging noise and then pretends like she is throwing up)

Me: (Laughing) That’s the right attitude, sister! (she laughs with me and leaves the room)

I realize this is just the beginning. She will continue to grow up and discover new and exciting, and sometimes gross things about life, and people and relationships. Soon, in her health education classes, she will learn about sex and reproduction and how her body works. She will also learn about boys, and it won’t matter that I want to freeze time and keep her my little girl forever.

I also realize that this means raising children is going to turn me into an alcoholic, and I need to join a wine club so I can stock the house and get a discount on that shit, because I’m going to need a lot of it.