Another Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary, world!

Today marks the two year anniversary of A Girl Named Wanda! ¬†I can’t believe it’s been two years, and I continue to be blown away by the fact that so many of you continue to read my non-sense and ramblings. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and the endless hours of entertainment I’ve enjoyed by reading your blogs and sharing in your experiences.

Currently, I am visiting my grandparents in central Illinois and I am without Internet. ūüė≥They are 95 and 97 years old, so computers and wi-fi isn’t really their thing. I’ve used 20% of my cell phone battery in typing these two paragraphs into the WordPress app. ¬†Awesome. While I can’t go into great detail at this time, after spending a week here away from my family and no access to modern technology outside of my phone, you can rest assured that my next post will be worth the wait. ūüėú

Thank you again for reading!

Priorities, and stuff.

Don’t pay the ransom!¬† I escaped!

Just kidding.  No one would kidnap me.

Since my last post over a month ago, life has been ridiculously busy, and clearly I’m not good at¬†finding the¬†time to write while managing all that must come first.¬†¬†For example, I’ve¬†already been interrupted ten times in the last seven minutes since I sat down to write this post.¬† At this rate I’ll be lucky to get three posts up this summer.¬† In the past six weeks or so we’ve had my son’s Kindergarten graduation, a new puppy, our annual vacation back home to the Midwest, my wedding anniversary and my mother-in-law flew in to spend the 4th of July weekend with us.¬† It’s been a whirlwind, but it’s all been good.

FullSizeRender (1)And I know what you’re thinking….”Did she say she got a new puppy?!”¬† Yes, and she has taken up the bulk of my time and attention since she joined our family.¬† I didn’t mean to get a puppy.¬† I didn’t want a new puppy.¬† We already have three cats and a large dog.¬† But the universe sort of thrust her at me, and when the universe hands you an adorable little baby like that, well, you just can’t hand it back.

This is Mavis.¬† The last week of school while I was¬†waiting to pick Bryce up, another mom from our class showed up holding this adorable little baby girl.¬† I took one look at her and my soul screamed, “Mine!”¬† I immediately asked the mom if she had gotten a new dog and she explained that her cocker-spaniel¬†had “accidentally” mated with her sister’s Chihuahua.¬† The IMG_0086result was four of the most adorable Chi-Spaniel (that’s apparently what they’re called)¬†babies you have ever seen, and they were giving them away to good homes.¬† Done!¬† I took a picture of her with my phone and texted the photo to Dan.¬† I took her home with me that day.¬† And now I remember why we decided we were done having kids.¬† She is adorable but exhausting.¬† Having a new puppy is just like having a new baby in the house.¬† I can’t turn my back on her for a second.¬† One second she is my Sweet Mavis, and the next she is Mavis the Destroyer.¬† Potty training sucks.¬† My only consolation is that when she’s FINALLY potty trained, I’m getting all new area rugs.

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I don’t usually post personal photos, but I think we look hot in this picture, so Happy Anniversary to us!!

Everything else seems a bit trivial in comparison to Mavis.¬† Our vacation back home was good.¬† I love the Midwest, I just can’t live there full time.¬† But summers there are heaven.¬† My anniversary was awesome, until it wasn’t.¬† Dan and I had tickets to a private chef’s table dinner at our favorite ocean-side resort.¬† Twelve couples enjoyed a five course gourmet dinner over-looking the ocean.¬† We had yellow-fin tuna ceviche that had been caught that morning off the coast of San Diego.¬† We enjoyed freshly caught and prepared lobster and other fresh sustainable foods that had been grown on the property of the resort along with wine pairings from a local vineyard.¬† It was fantastic.¬† We made some new friends and enjoyed drinks and live music in the hotel lobby bar after dinner.¬† And then I had to haul ass back to our room¬†and spent the rest of the night praying to the¬†porcelain god.¬† ¬†It wasn’t food poisoning because nobody else got sick.¬† It wasn’t alcohol because, sadly,¬†I wasn’t drunk yet.¬† Whatever caused it ruined my night and I’m still a little pissed about it because when I get to eat food that amazing and that¬†expensive, you bet your ass I want to hang on to it.¬† I need a do-over.

Now that life has returned to a normal speed for me, I’m trying to play catch up.¬† I’m reconsidering my rule about not posting my personal opinions about politics and/or religion on social media.¬† The world is going crazy and I might need to talk about it.¬† We’ll see.¬† In the meantime, I look forward to¬†stalking all the blogs I’ve neglected over the past month.¬† I’ve missed you guys!¬† ūüôā

See!  She was meant to be my dog!

See! She was meant to be my dog!

Baseball and Itchy Butts

23777071_sMy five-year old son, Bryce, just finished his first regular season of Little League Baseball.  It was a fun season and all the boys seemed to learn a lot and have a good time.  They slowly progressed from chaotic dog piling on every ball to learning to work as a team, and for the most part, learn the boundaries of each position to support each other on the field.

During our last game of the season Bryce was placed in the position of pitcher.¬† He didn’t really have to pitch to the kid at bat, but he maintained that position for his team.¬† There was a coach positioned several feet¬†in front of him and the coach pitched to the kids since the five-year old division¬†is a combination of live pitch and t-ball.

So imagine this adorable five-year old kid in ‘baseball ready’ position, on the pitcher’s mound, in plain sight of everyone.¬† (I was watching the game from the dugout, helping another mom to manage the boys and organize them during each inning¬†transition.)¬† I’m watching Bryce,¬†shouting encouragement to him and the¬†rest of the team, and then¬†I see him use his ungloved hand to go in for¬†a deep and prolonged wedgie grab.¬† His hand was on the outside of his pants but he was working the angles,¬†maneuvering ¬†his¬†hips to get a good handful of whatever he was looking for.

The other mom starts cracking up, and I shout to Bryce and give him the¬†what-the-heck-are-you-doing-face.¬†¬† He looks up at me, smiles and¬†gives me a thumbs up.¬† And then he goes right¬†back into the ass-grabby position, but this time he takes his glove off and is digging at his¬†butt from both the front and the back.¬† He’s bent forward, looking between his legs as he attacks himself,¬†and he’s digging for gold like a marathon miner.¬† He’s in the middle of the field just going to town, completely oblivious to¬†the game¬†continuing around him.¬† Balls are flying past him and he’s more concerned about whatever is going on in his pants than the rest of the inning.¬† He ignores my shouts to pay attention to the game.

At the end of the inning the kids all run back to the dugout and I start checking his pants, thinking (hoping) that surely all that ass-grabbing¬†had to do with his sliding shorts either riding up or being bunched wrong under his pants.¬† So¬†I ask, “Why were you digging at your bottom out there?¬† Are your sliding shorts riding up?”¬† And in front of everyone he says, “Nope, I was itching my butt.¬† I think I sharted and I need to wipe it.”

IMG_1115My kid used the word sharted in front of¬†his team¬†and other parents.¬† The other mom next to me is thoroughly losing her shit with laughter.¬† As my face turned red with shame, I looked at¬†her and said, “Please inform the Delegation of¬†Perfect Parents that I will have to forfeit my membership and¬†my¬†Parent of the Year award…again.”

Happy Mother’s Day…mostly.

WORLD-S-OKAYEST-MOM-Women-s-T-ShirtsHappy Mother’s Day world!

Today my family gave me the most wonderful, relaxing morning.¬† They spoiled me with lovely cards, perfect gifts and my husband made breakfast with mimosa’s¬†AND cleaned it all up.¬† I took a leisurely shower and took my time getting ready for my special day.

And then one of the cat’s threw up in my freshly washed hair.¬† I guess she decided I needed to be reminded that I am not a Queen, and just a mother, after all.¬† ūüėČ

Locker Room Ladies

So I went to the gym today, and while I was unloading my stuff into a locker I got sucked into the most bizarre conversation with two elderly women.¬† I’m guessing they were in their 70’s?????

naked towel ladyI’ve talked before about the hilarity of the old ladies in the gym locker room.¬† They just stand around naked and exchange recipes, acting like group nudity in the locker room¬†is the new sewing circle.¬† And don’t even get me started on their bizarre habits with the hair dryers.¬† The management at the gym has now put up signs asking that the hair dryers only be used for the hair on your head.¬† I’ll just let that sink in for a second….

Anyway, this older woman was having a conversation with another woman about thong underwear.¬† She was explaining to her friend how she prefers to wear thongs.¬† The other woman was looking at her like she was crazy and basically said, “At our age, why in the hell would want to wear a thong?¬† Aren’t they uncomfortable?”¬† And the other woman is going on and on about how you just get used to the discomfort of it.¬† Then she takes her thong underwear out of her gym bag and starts waving it around and saying, “Look how small they are!”¬† And they were small.¬† They had a small triangle of fabric and basically three strings attached to it.¬† So her friend says, “Why do you even bother to wear underwear then?”¬† And the other woman looks at me and says, “Well, I bet you wear thong underwear?”

big eyesWTH?  How did I get sucked into this discussion?

So I replied, “Actually, I don’t.¬† I’ve never been comfortable with the general construction of thong underwear, and I don’t care for how they feel.¬† I prefer regular underwear.”¬† And the one woman chimes in, “Me too!¬† I’ll take panty lines any day rather than have a string up my ass!”

(I’m laughing at the absurdity of having this conversation with two seventy + year old ladies.)

At this point, another woman is listening to the conversation as well.¬† The woman who wears the thong¬†continues to chat about her preference of intimate apparel¬†while trying to wrench her sports bra over her head.¬† And then¬†she got stuck.¬† She’s flailing around, her boobies are bouncing back and forth and she’s basically trapped in her sports¬†bra with her arms stuck over her head.¬† So the other lady asks her if she needs help, and the two of them have to wrestle this woman out of her bra.

laughing emojiI swear to God, I can’t make this shit up.

As I’m leaving the locker room, I said to the fourth woman who is laughing quietly in front of her locker, “You know it’s a bad day when you get trapped in your underwear at the gym and you need to call for an assist.”

That Time I Lost My Sh*t at the Grocery Store

In the feminine hygiene aisle, no less.

my-neighbors-diary-said-i-have-boundary-issues-0341d[1]I went to the store to purchase a handful of items, and tampons were on my list.¬† I was standing in the aisle looking for my preferred brand, and I felt someone standing close behind me.¬† Close, like only people who know me well, close.¬†¬† And I have a thing about people who don’t respect personal boundaries,¬†especially in public,¬†so I¬†became very still and just waited for them to move on.¬† The person behind me didn’t move.¬† About ten seconds later, a man cleared his throat and said hello.

WTF?

Why is a man trying to talk to me in the feminine hygiene aisle?¬† Who does this?¬† No one does this because it is forbidden!¬† Standard rules of etiquette clearly state that no man ever should approach a woman in this particular aisle, for any reason, especially when she is standing directly in front of tampons.¬† I salute the men who purchase female products for their wives, sisters, daughters, etc…I myself used to force my older brother to buy my pads and tampons when I was a teenager because I was too embarrassed to do it myself.¬† I even sent my brother’s friend into the store once, and when he bought the wrong thing, I made him go back and return it.¬† There were perks to being a cute girl in high school, and I used that to my advantage when my monthly visitor came.¬† But everyone knows you don’t try to strike up a conversation with a woman for any reason while she is shopping this aisle.

I slowly turned around to find a young-ish, good-looking man with a nice smile staring at me.¬† Had to be in his late twenties.¬† He was holding a few fancy black gift bags and he immediately started talking…

Man:  How are you today?

Me:¬† No.¬† Just….no.

Man: (confused look on his face) Ummmm, what?

Me:¬† Please don’t do this.¬† Please don’t try to talk to me or sell me something right now.¬† Just…..don’t.¬† Please just walk away.

Man:¬† Ummm, well I would like to talk to you about these great cosmetics I have here…

Me:¬† Oh my God!¬† Stop talking! ¬†I don’t want to be rude to you, but you need to walk away from me right now.¬† Do you see where I am?¬† Do you understand how inappropriate this is?¬† I am buying tampons!¬† Tampons!¬† You don’t try to interrupt and sell make-up to women in the fucking tampon aisle!¬† What the hell is wrong with you?

Man:  (pissy look on his face)  Well, I am sorry to disturb you.

Me:  You should be sorry! What kind of perv are you?

11870926_10205390023731595_6675434545531510468_n[1]He then turned around, beet red in the face and walked away. I ran into him a few aisles over in the ice cream section as he was trying to chat up another woman.  I shot him a dirty look and kept walking, after I grabbed my chocolate peanut butter ice cream, of course.

I went home and told my husband, “Some poor sales guy just had¬†a really rough day because of me.”

Minerva and the Not-So Magic Pee

Meet Minerva.  AKA, Minnie for short.  IMG_0001

She’s the newest member of our family.¬† A little over a month ago my husband was walking our son to school, and along the way he found this adorable kitten on the sidewalk around the corner from our house.¬† She was dirty, covered in fleas, but very friendly.¬† They stopped to pet her and when she was still sitting there on his way back home, he decided she needed his help.¬† He brought her home and made signs to put up around the neighborhood indicating a lost kitten had been found and gave his contact info so her owner could come and claim her.

In the meantime, he took her to the vet and had her checked out to make sure she was healthy.¬† He had her bathed, flea dipped and had the vet start her kitten shots since we were unsure if she’d had any vet care.¬† The vet estimated her to be about six months old. ¬† When he got home I said, “You just spent $200 at the vet on a stray cat.¬† Are you sure you aren’t planning to keep her?”

IMG_0027The truth is that Dan has always been unable to walk away from an animal in need.¬† And I really do love that about his personality.¬† If he can help someone, or save an animal, he will do it.¬† No questions asked.¬† And the other motivating factor is that this kitten likes him.¬† She claimed him from day one for her very own.¬† We have two other cats and Dan rescued them both.¬† Lucy shows a decided preference for our daughter, and Linus prefers me above all others.¬† Dan is tired of cleaning litter¬†boxes and¬†saving the lives of animals who then¬†don’t¬†give a shit about his feelings.¬† He saves them and then they shut him out.¬†¬†But not Minerva.¬† He decided to work from home the day he picked her up off the street and I don’t think she left his lap for several hours while he worked.¬† She loves him and has grown more attached to him over the past several weeks.

It’s been about six weeks now and no one called to claim her.¬† So¬†Dan named her after Minerva McGonagall from the Harry Potter book series.¬† About two weeks ago, Minnie went into heat.¬† I had forgotten that female kittens could start their heat cycles as early as six months of age, and she’s about 7 1/2¬†months old now.¬† It’s been years since I’ve had an intact female in the house,¬†and believe me when I say that I¬†now realize why vets and breeders encourage you to spay/neuter your pets as quickly as possible.

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She loves to lay in the sink.

The past¬†two weeks have been…..stressful.¬† She yowls at all hours of the day and night.¬† Like, she is literally singing the song of her people.¬† ¬†She’s constantly making¬†some kind of noise¬†and she¬†makes these chirpy bird like¬†sounds.¬† I read on the internet that she’s trying to identify and call¬†a mate.¬†¬†I’m thanking God the weather has been cool and we’ve had the windows closed, otherwise my house would be surrounded by male cats.¬† And she’s started scent marking!¬† OMFG!¬† I thought only male cats did that.¬† And our other female, Lucy, who was fixed years ago is not having any of it.¬† She is mad as¬†hell that Minnie¬†is trying to mark over what she considers to be¬†her territory and she is aggressively attacking Minnie at every¬†opportunity.¬† So between the constant¬†sex calls¬†at all hours, trying to prevent this kitten from peeing all over my house, and¬†heading off or breaking up serious, fur flying,¬†claws drawing blood¬†cat fights,¬†my patience is worn thin.

Dan took her to the vet¬†to have her fixed¬†the day after we realized she had started the heat cycle, but they wouldn’t do the procedure until she was finished.¬† So we’ve been living in cat hell for two weeks.¬† And last night it got worse…

Don't let that sweet face deceive you!

Don’t let that sweet face deceive you!

At 3am, I woke up suddenly when I rolled over from my stomach¬†and felt my pajama bottoms were wet on the back of my thigh.¬† I reached down and touched my pants and there was a circle of something wet.¬† And it wasn’t a little wet, but saturated.¬† I smelled it and it was fucking cat pee!¬† I jumped out of bed thinking Minnie had pee’d in the bed.¬† I started frantically feeling around in the dark trying to determine¬†the extent of the damage,¬†but everything was dry.¬† I woke Dan up but he couldn’t find the¬†mess either.¬† Cat pee does not magically appear on your person, so there had to be a spot on the bed, right?

Nope.¬† That little shit pee’d on me while I was sleeping!¬†¬†Dan said, “I think she was trying to¬†mark you as her territory.”¬† And I said, “Well, I am not fucking¬†flattered!”

She gets fixed on Wednesday, and Wednesday can’t come soon enough.